At the Movies: The Amazing Spider-Man

Don’t worry, the costume looks just as cheap onscreen.

Ignoring the lessons of the past, Alan, Byron, and Cammy return to the cinema.

Alan: This is going to suck shit through a straw.

Cammy: You say that about everything.

Alan: It’s been pretty accurate so far. And Amazing Spider-Man doesn’t look like it’s going to break the trend.

Byron: I liked the trailer.

Alan: That’s because you’re an idiot.

Byron: Ouch.

Cammy: Now, now. He could be wrong. This could be one of those quality reboots of a trilogy less than a decade old.

Byron: You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?

Cammy: A little bit.

Byron: That’s ‘yes.’

Cammy: Maybe it’ll be spectacular.

Alan: Don’t you dare.

Cammy: Amazing. even.

Alan: God may forgive you for that joke, but I won’t.

Cammy: Spoilsport.

Alan: Hipster.

Byron: Why do I deal with you two?

Alan: We’ve already had that conversation.

Cammy: My rogueish good looks.

Alan: I don’t think girls can be ‘rogueish.’

Cammy: That’s because you lack imagination.

Byron: Why do you two go out if you’re not even going to try to enjoy yourselves?

Cammy: I am enjoying this. My way.

Byron: You’re just turning it into a joke.

Cammy: If you’re not laughing, you’re not living.

Alan: I hate that expression.

Cammy: That’s because you were bitten by a radioactive douchebag.

Byron: They have a showing in 3D. That should be fun.

Alan: So it’s you.

Byron: What?

Alan: I didn’t think you really existed, but you do. You’re the person that gimmick draws in. The kid distracted by dangling keys in 3D. This movie is your fault.

Cammy: It’s actually been a while since I’ve seen a 3D movie.

Alan: We watched The Avengers.

Cammy: Two months ago. That’s three years in pop culture time.

Byron: What?

Cammy: My personal theory. You see-

Alan: Here we go.

Cammy: -time works differently in the entertainment industry. In the time it’ll take us to buy an overpriced bucket of popcorn, a Hollywood month will have passed.

Byron: Did you pregame this?

Cammy: For once, no. The evidence is everywhere. In the media, fifteen minutes of fame seem like a fulfilling lifelong career. An actress is old the day she hits thirty. Audiences have the attention spans of fruit flies. On top of all that, we have remakes of action movies younger than their audience. To us, Spider-Man 3 came out five years ago. In Hollywood, it’s ancient history.

Alan: Alright, I’ll play along. What causes  pop culture time?

Cammy: Cocaine, mostly.

Byron: That’s…very interesting, but I think the movie’s starting.

Alan: Wake me up when it’s over.

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