How to Run a Lemonade Stand

 

Consider the lemon.

Some see a fruit. Others also see a fruit. It’s pretty odd to look at a lemon and think of anything but sour citrus. But I see something else: profit.

Money. Women. Power. A lemonade stand can be your gateway to an early retirement. All you have to do is follow my simple seven-step plan, and you can enter the fast-paced world of lemonade stand management.

To be honest, this isn’t for everyone. Running a stand takes time, dedication, and moral flexibility. It takes the kind of grit you find in war, prison, and military prison. You have to be willing to look a man in the eyes as you charge him three dollars for a cup of sugar water. Worse yet, you may have to deal with that stinging feeling of citric acid getting into a small cut. If it reaches your eyes, may God have mercy on your soul.

Scope Out The Area

Location is key. Picking the right spot for your first stand can make the difference between running an international lemon magnate and lying cold and alone in an alley, clutching scraps as thin and torn as your broken dreams for warmth. Some of you might be tempted to simply build a stand on your front lawn, or at the first street corner you come across. If you do so, there’s no hope left for you.

Recruit Children

Quick question: have you ever bought lemonade from a forty-five year old man? How about a chain-smoking grad student? Like it or not, kids are the face of the lemonade stand. Everything else looks like a sex crime waiting to happen. If you want people to buy your goods, you’re going to need to put some kids to work.

This will take some creativity.  Child labor laws are not your friend.  The standard way of getting about this is having your own kid and passing off free labor as character building. If you’re not ready to commit to eighteen years of drudgery and whining, you’ll have to recruit among the neighborhood children. The key to getting them to work for you is the opening. Emphasize your resources by approaching them in a car, preferably after school. A van is more spacious, and therefore more inviting.

You can thank me later.

Hire Muscle

It’s time to protect your investment. When the neighborhood’s other lemonade pushers find out about you, they’re not going to be happy. It’s a sick world out there, and there’s no telling how far Billy Jr. will go to keep a monopoly on one dollar lemonade. If you don’t want your hard work to be reduced to splinters, you need to get a few hired guns.

If you’re pulling in real lemonade money, you should be able to afford some of the bigger names in the back of Soldier of Fortune. If not, there are always disaffected teenagers looking to earn a few bucks. Arm them, and you’ll have a nice security team in no time.

It’s simple self-defense.

Remove the Competition

You may have hired your goons to defend yourself, but now you have the chance to attack others first. After all, if your rivals are dead, you have nothing to be afraid of.

Diversify

Congratulations. You now own the neighborhood lemonade racket. If someone wants their thirst quenched, they go through you or get their legs broken. Sometimes both, if you’re in a bad mood.

But it’s not enough. It can never be enough.Your sudden influx of capital can lead to only one thing: the pursuit of more capital. And to get that capital, you need to take one simple step.

It’s time to expand into opium.

For starters, at least. There’s a whole world of fine narcotics out there. Lemonade stands are the perfect front for a budding cartel. They’re the last place the police would bother to inspect, but anyone that’s anyone knows that they peddle everything under the sun.

Some of you will want to turn back now, but you’re already in too deep. You should have already gotten a few requests for a “special glass” from men in trenchcoats. Now it’s time to deliver.

Launder the Money

Years ago, someone leaked the fact that money doesn’t grow on trees to the IRS. This has made making a dishonest buck far more difficult than it should be for today’s budding entrepreneurs. Your lemonade revenue can be accounted for easily enough, but opium sales tend not to leave a paper trail.

That’s where money laundering comes in.

I’m not very clear on the details, but if Saints Row2 is to be believed all you have to do is buy a huge gun, a bigger car, sell them both, buy an even bigger gun, and then open fire on the police. It’s pretty simple.

Don’t Let Them Take You Alive

By now, the SWAT teams should have surrounded your compound. It’s time for your last stand. Your body may be weakened by the months of constant drug abuse, but your spirit must be willing. That Kalashnikov won’t fire itself It’s time to make Tony Montana proud.