The Blind Monkey Endorsement
Ideals and reality rarely converge. The American ideal is one of egalitarianism, justice, and prosperity. The current reality consists of deep fried oreos and semi-random drone strikes. It’s taken years of unchecked degeneration to bring us to this point, and there’s no end in sight. It will take vision, intellect, and force of personality to resurrect the American ideal. America needs more than a leader. It needs a savior, and that savior is Darkseid.
I’m a well-known cynic. Yet mere seconds of standing before the magnificence of Darkseid was all it took to convince me. There is no other choice. Darkseid is our future. We can elect him, or wait for the endless wave of Parademons to force his glory upon us. I suggest we take the easier route.
I didn’t expect Darkseid to respond to my request for an interview. So when the Furies dragged me out of my bed in the depth of the night, I was more than slightly surprised. I shivered in the blind terror that characterizes human weakness as they dragged me through a boom tube. From there, my weeping, bleeding form was brought before the eternal throne of Darkseid. I was even more surprised when I wasn’t immediately killed. He looked upon my mortal form with his stone cold eyes. In those eyes, I saw the anti-life equation. I was sold.
Darkseid’s record speaks for itself. His record is, in fact, the eternally preserved through the tormented form of one of his earliest enemies. This poor soul is doomed to observe Darkseid for the rest of time, and serve as a living testament to Darkseid’s glory and wrath. Darkseid’s term as ruler of Apokalips tested all the traits we look for in our leaders. Every rebellion was crushed. New Genesis was crushed. The so-called Man of Steel was crushed. Hope, an opiate more powerful than heroine or meth, was crushed. There is no taxation, for all is given voluntarily to Darkseid. Darkseid has deigned to bring this experience to America, and it would be madness to refuse.
Republicans have expressed concern over Darkseid’s ability to reach across the aisle. His tendency to have his opponents rent limb from limb by his furies has been decried as an inability to create bipartisan solutions. Allow me to assure you that Darkseid is beyond able to reach across party lines, because he is beyond human political parties. All human statesmen will be united under his indomitable will.
Darkseid will put an end to the outsourcing of American jobs. For too long, we’ve allowed foreign Kryptonian labor to dominate the security sector. Through the death or enslavement of Superman, Darkseid will open thousands of new jobs. Filling the void left by the interloper will revitalize the American company in a single stroke. With our support, Darkseid can end Kryptonian influence in America. Permanently.
The glory of Darkseid’s economic policy is only matched by his plans for education. The anti-life equation will put our college students at the bleeding edge of math research. Along with our high school students, dropouts, and pre-school students. The anti-life equation will be ubiquitous, teaching every American citizen the last equation they will ever need. The equation that holds the truth: Darkseid is progess. Darkseid is change. Darkseid is eternal. Darkseid is unstoppable. Darkseid is. Darkseid 2012.
-Dennard “Blind Monkey” Dayle
The Mute Monkey Endorsement
The candidate from the GOP stopped by Mitchell’s Rib House for lunch today, yet another small business in danger of failure in these tough times. It had been a long day on the campaign trail and our candidate wanted to get to know one of the nation’s constituents.
Now, what he could have done is enter through the door. But such one-dimensional thinking is ill befitting of the nation’s next president. So, when Doctor Victor von Doom came in today for ribs, he came in through the wall next to the door.
Mitchell Robertson, the proprietor of Mitchell’s Rib House, was so excited to see Candidate Doom grace him with his presence that he didn’t even bother asking why Mr. Doom took such a progressive, forward thinking stance on walking in the building. Instead, he just made a mad dash to the kitchen to prepare a special meal for the former theoretical physicist and world-renowned polymath; making sure Doom knew personally how much he and millions of other Americans supported his claim to the Columbian Throne.
“DOOM GOES WHERE DOOM WISHES,” he told us, “AND TODAY DOOM WISHES TO VISIT THE WORKPLACE OF THE AVERAGE VOTER. WHEN DOOM IS YOUR LORD, EVERY CITIZEN SHALL FEEL AS BLESSED AS THIS ‘MITCHELL ROBERTSON’ PEASANT NO DOUBT DOES TODAY.” Mr. Robertson was unavailable for comment, too busy making sure Mr. Doom could share in his joy through the simple art of barbeque.
“IT PLEASES DOOM TO SEE SUCH BOUNDLESS ENTHUSIASM FROM THE ELECTORATE. MY OPPONENT, MR. DARKSEID, DOES NOT REALIZE THAT WILL IS NOT A THING TO BE BROKEN BUT TO BE UTILIZED IN PURSUIT OF HIGHER GOALS. GOALS SUCH AS APOTHEOSIS, NATIONAL SOVEREIGNTY, AND THE UTTER DEFEAT OF ENEMIES OF THE STATE LIKE THE DETESTABLE DR. REED RICHARDS!” An eager young waitress offered Mr. Doom a drink, but as the Doom sitting there was actually a Doombot, he politely turned it down. Doom believes that resources are too rare to waste on those who don’t need them.
“THIS GREAT COUNTRY CRUMBLES BEFORE OUR EYES AND DARKSEID TALKS OF BUILDING A FIREPIT IN DETROIT. IF HE WOULD GET OFF HIS COUCH FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES, HE MIGHT SEE HOW HOPELESS HIS CAMPAIGN IS. PERHAPS MR. SEID COULD USE A TASTE OF HIS OWN ANTI-LIFE EQUATION.” Overcome with mirth, Doom stood up and shared in a belly laugh with his entourage and the honored wait staff. And when Mitchell Robertson came out of the kitchen to personally deliver Mr. Doom a huge plate of ribs, Doom, still a Doombot, laughed again, patted Robertson on the shoulder, and politely declined.
“DO YOU NOT SEE? DOOM HAS NO NEED FOR SUSTENANCE. BUT HE SHALL PAY NONETHELESS BECAUSE DOOM IS FAIR AND HE IS JUST AND YOU ALL SHALL REAP THE BOUNTY OF THIS PEASANT’S TOIL! FEAST, SUBJECTS OF DOOM!” Doom was asked why he would display such an act of generosity.
“BECAUSE DOOM DOES AS DOOM WISHES, AND DOOM’S WISHES ARE ALIGNED WITH THAT OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOOM AND THIS PRETENDER TO THE THRONE, THIS DARKSEID! DOOM KNOWS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WANTS, WHILE DARKSEID WISHES TO CONVINCE US THAT THEY HAVE NO DESIRE BUT TO SERVE HIM. BUT WHAT HE DOES NOT REALIZE THAT IT ALWAYS WAS, ALWAYS IS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE DOOM WHO HAS PULLED THE STRINGS!” Strong words, from a strong man. Hail Doom, Hail Latveria. Hail Doom’s America, 2012.
-Sam “Mute Monkey” Lagow