EXT THE UNITED NATIONS
A gratuitously drawn out panned shot of the outside of the building cuts to an underground meeting between three men in black suits. The room is, like all board meetings, filled with dramatic-tension enhancing shadows.
All’s quiet on the Eastern Front.
It made sense in my head. But really, it’s boring as all hell in here. “Sanction this” and “stop that genocide there”. Let’s get a good coalition invasion going.
Is this a joke?
Eagles fireworks freedom flags eagles.
That may be so, but we really should have a stronger motive for-
What he said. Besides, we have something of an opportunity. We’ve found the headquarters of Opiate Anthony.
That’s right. The most notorious narcotics pusher in the Western Hemisphere.
I suppose we could put together a strike team.
They’ve already been selected and sent.
Then what exactly was the purpose of this expository meeting?
I like to watch you two sweat.
Fuck you too.
EXT ISLAND FORTRESS
A trio of generic military helicopters approaches a generic island lair. After gratuitous shots of the ocean and fortress, the focus shifts to the inside of the lead helicopter, where a trio of ELITE SOLDIERS waits.
Guys. Do you ever wonder if we’re on the wrong team?
I’m generally against mass-murdering drug lords.
But…I’ve heard grumblings. Of a new breed of super-soldier. A cocaine-powered man.
You would be far, far better off if you stopped talking.
It’s time I came clean. I volunteered for the project.
There is no “project”. I watched you slip behind that alley to buy coke. I just assumed you wouldn’t let it interfere with your work. I guess I was wrong.
LIEUTENANT ROLAND pulls out a grenade with a mad grin.
I AM INVINCIBLE!
LIEUTENANT ROLAND pulls the pin. The helicopter spins into the ocean, and the entire squad is eaten by sharks.
EXT CONFERENCE ROOM
For eons, we have followed the threefold path.
Now that way of life is threatened.
The cocaine or the redundancy?
The cocaine or the redundancy?
Does it have anything to do with the commandos killing everyone?
Maybe. That Kal guy was whining about something like that yesterday. I’m still a bit buzzed, to be honest.
OPIATE ANTHONY drums his fingers along the table for several tense seconds. He then walks through the fortress halls until he reaches an oddly spacious nursery room. A single baby in a white cloth lies in a crib in the middle of the room. OPIATE ANTHONY picks him up, and looks wistfully out the window.
Co-kel. Our kingdom is doomed. But you shall live on as the last son of Narcotopia.
The infant makes unintelligible noises.
Godspeed, my son. Never forget that you carry our legacy with you.
Opiate Anthony makes a cross of white powder on the infant’s forehead, then chucks the basket out of the window like a baseball. Confused infant babbling fades into the distance, before a loud thud.
After a minute of still silence, Opiate Anthony is gunned down unceremoniously. An explosion of Bay-esque proportions then rocks the foundation of the fortress, leaving naught but rubble behind.
A lone hand erupts from the wreckage of the base. The shot fades to black, then fades back in to the same shot of the hand. Underling three digs himself out of the debris, then stares with a rage filled eye at a red sky. He raises his fists to the sky.
I will dedicate the rest of my drug-fueled life to vengeance!
UNDERLING THREE is then sniped by an off-screen commando. His body floats to sea until dragged underneath the waves by a passing shark.
EXT CITY PARK
A young couple sits contentedly at a bench. Cherry blossoms fall around them as they look at the lake in the center of the park. Birds chirp softly in the background.
This is the life.
SNOWFLAME leaps forward and throws a fistful of pure, uncut cocaine into the face of the YOUNG MAN. The YOUNG WOMAN jumps back in surprise as the YOUNG MAN writhes in agony on the ground.
The YOUNG MAN stops moving.
This city has a sickness. A sickness called complacency! And there is only one cure:
Somebody call the police!
Incorrect! The cure is white snow! Crack! Rock! Cocaine!
You’re a madman!
What was that you called me? A flame of glory? I shall adopt that name…from this day onward, I shall be known as Snowflame!
SNOWFLAME does a line off of the bench’s arm as the YOUNG WOMAN weeps softly.
EXT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASSROOM
A room of RAMBUNCTIOUS CHILDREN stare in dull silence at a special presentation in the front of the classroom.
Alright children. Today we have a unique guest for you. Captain Reynolds from the precint station.
Gee whiz! What do you do?
I’m in charge of the local police station. Today I’m here to talk to you about D.A.R.E.
But mister, the other man said that pigs are the enemy!
Is it normal for children to speak in unison like this? Or in anachronistic slang?
We are hive. We are legion. We are one.
A real psychic connection? This could be a breakthrough on level with-
They’re not psychic. They’ve been acting out like this since a guy in a red leotard gave them some powdered candy.
…This bears further investigation.
EXT POLICE STATION
A cocaine powered supervillain.
I hate this job. Who are our suspects?
Well, let’s see. It could be Bill Camel, Joe Camel’s renegade brother. Could be Opiate Anthony, but he’s been silent lately. Or, it could be this new guy.
OFFICER NORTH points towards a picture of Snowflame cackling atop a powdered throne.
He calls himself Snowflame. He took out an entire SWAT team while screaming something about “nostril-imbibed enlightenment”.
Any way we can track him down?
He tends to stand out in a crowd. I’d just wait for him to make a move.
EXT CITY RESERVOIR
SNOWFLAME stands atop the bow of a giant steampunk airship, cackling maniacally. The airship rams through several Thanksgiving parade floats as it approaches the city’s water supply. MINIONS carrying sacks labeled “non-suspicious sugar” bustle about the vehicle as it advances inexorably.
Target in sight.
So begins a new age! An era where coke is king!
I’m beginning to have second thoughts. Will dumping cocaine into the reservoir even work? I think they have purifiers.
The MINION is lifted overhead by SNOWFLAME, and then thrown off of the airship. He lands in a Warner Bros.-style cloud of dust. Land sharks drag his body into the sewers.
I have a gift for you America! The gift that keeps on giving: addiction!
A legion of law enforcement officers await Snowflame’s arrival at the reservoir. A bewildered expression is ubiquitous among the other officers as CAPTAIN REYNOLDS addresses the men.
This is a simple operation people. It’s one junkie in spandex. With an airship. We should be in and out without any major problems.
EXT FLAMING BRIDGE
SNOWFLAME and CAPTAIN REYNOLDS circle each other with knives, as the only survivors of the battle in a mile-wide radius. As the bridge collapses around them, orchestral music plays at excess volume.
Okay. This went downhill.
Cocaine is the Holy Spirit, and I am it’s high priest! Cocaine is music, and I am it’s voice! Cocaine is justice, and I am its sword! Cocaine is a high concept, and I am its implement!
You seriously need help.
Mine is a fire no rehab can quench!
SNOWFLAME grabs CAPTAIN REYNOLDS by the nose, then tears off his head in one clean, majestic pull. Slow motion is not absolutely required, but recommended.
EXT CITY SKYLINE
SNOWFLAME hangs off of the tip of a skyscraper with one arm. A line of blood visibly leads from his nostrils to his chin. He stares at the United Nations building with an ambitious smirk.
Wherever there is a dull office party, I’ll be there! Wherever there’s a nightclub restroom, I’ll be there! Wherever there’s a former addict on the cusp of reclaiming his life, I’ll be there! Today, the slums! Tomorrow, the world!
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