Wanted: Drudgery Associate
Monkeys With Typewriters is looking for a driven, passionate, self-starting, motivated, energetic, enthusiastic, and tenacious drudgery associate. The ideal candidate will be an obedient leader that understands the value of being a trailblazing follower.
Duties include schedule management, ordering supplies, collecting stray hairs around the office, clone education, killing rebellious clones, tracking escaped clones, covering up clone uprisings, and drafting memos.
This is an entry-level position, so at least 16 years of work experience and Northern Shaolin training are required. The MWT Express doesn’t make stops for the unqualified or weak. We hope you started interning in middle school. Deserving applicants should send a resume, cover letter, and recommendation from every continent to [email protected].
Dear Mr. Dayle,
My resume and cover letter are attached. This job is my last chance. They’ve cut my power, and I’ve finished my last handful of stale cheerios. Vultures are circling above my apartment. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Alan Smithee
Alan Smithee
Professional Adventurer – [email protected]
EDUCATION
Filler University, Camden, NJ June 2013
BA in Unhirable Studies
Departmental GPA: 3.14
Real GPA: 1.4
WORK EXPERIENCE
Imperiex Incorporated (Sophomore Fall)
Intern
• Searched for pictures of dogs, creating value by emailing them to the cute secretary down the hall.
• Won the annual summer intern chugging contest, gaining valuable experience in alcohol poisoning.
The Annual Weekly (Junior Spring)
Coffee Monkey
• Shined shoes for jaded slave drivers, creating value by boosting broken egos.
• Begged for scraps of food, gaining valuable experience in sales and personal branding.
LEADERSHIP EXPERIENCE
Gaming Club (Sometime Last Year?)
Vice-President
• Slept through board meetings.
• Uploaded uproarious Halo jokes to the group Facebook page.
• Served as designated driver after monthly game of “Super Smashed Brothers.”
Definitely Exists Club of Veracity (Every Waking Moment)
President
• Helped redesign the space shuttle, saving millions of lives.
• Saved the community center through fresh flow and fresher flares.
• Served as consort for the Queen of Canada.
SKILLS
• Communication: Emoticons, L33T Speak, Animated GIF Creation, Sumerian
• Organization: Getting Stuff Done, Eventually, Not Really
•Dark Souls: Cursing, Throwing Controllers
AWARDS
• Class of 1994 Fingerpainting Award: Award for distinction in pre-school fine arts.
• DHS Nondisclosure Award: <Redacted>
To Whom It May Concern,
I’ve wanted to be a PASTE HERE drudgery associate since I was a small child. Today, I have a chance.
As you can see, my degree in Unhireable Studies gives me the background needed to excel in this role. I pride myself on the adaptability and mental agility granted by four years of studying length and shade of Charlotte Bronte’s nasal hair.
PASTE HERE Monkeys With Typewriters is a perfect fit for me. I’ve studied PASTE HERE internet comedy under different tutors around the world for a decade to become a better candidate for this position. This is more than a job for me. It’s a dream.
Thank you for your time.
From,
Alan Smithee
Dear Mr. Smithee,
We regret to inform you that we lost your resume during last night’s “King of Tokyo” game. We could print another copy, but the printer’s looking pretty low on toner. We wish you the best of luck pursuing other opportunities.
Sincerely,
Dennard Dayle
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