Today’s Fortune Archive

As we all know, I’m a font of psychic faith and power. The stars speak to me, even when I’m trying to sleep or bore their voices out with a power drill. Hence the daily predictions beside the nav bar. I’ll maintain an archive of my wisdom here.

2/19/2017: Challenge yourself. See how much of the evidence you can shred in one hour.

2/18/2017: It’s not who you know, it’s how well you can blackmail them.

2/17/2017: ‪Make a change. Turn casual cruelty into methodical, formally planned cruelty.‬

2/16/2017: Reach out to the Russian plants in your life. They’re going through a rough time.

2/15/2017: ‪Take the edge off tragedy with a few of your favorite platitudes.‬

2/14/2017: It’s not real love until they lie under oath for you.

2/13/2017: Enjoy your freedom. Take yourself out to divorce court.

2/12/2017: Your Olympic dream is out of reach, but your Olympic nightmare is just beginning.

2/11/2017: They can’t convict what they can’t catch.

2/9/2017: Your neighbors know. They all know.

1/15/2017: Invest in bomb shelters.

1/14/2017: She’s not coming back.

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