TV of the Future

Dull Housewife

This Hallmark program will track the  life and times of the rapidly aging Mrs. Fieldman, as she watches made-for-tv movies for 18 hours a day without variation. As her children become more distant and her husband’s list of infidelities grows, she will simply increase the volume and shed a lone tear.

American Deathbot

Two garages of rough-riding cyborgs compete to see who can complete a military contract for a six-story death machine first. The winner receives a seven-year contract with the Department of Offense.

Da Minstrel Show

After decades of beating around the bush, BET cuts out the middleman and produces a sitcom that’s all blackface, all the time.

Executions Tonight

Death Row’s untapped revenue potential is finally harnessed with live executions via gladiatorial combat. Exclusive to the pay-per-view C-Span Turbo.

The Simpsons

Hollow shells that once represented America’s favorite animated family shuffle through the motions of each episode, occasionally looking at the viewer with empty eyes that plead for death. Then Homer does something wacky.

Pimp My Prostitute


X-treme Lanyard

Every dull camp’s favorite filler activity gets jazzed up. Unfortunately, this leads to NBC giving out dozens of cash settlements over severely burned children.


Dull crowds watch men drive in a circle. Some things don’t change.

George Carlin Hates You

A yearly three-hour event where the reanimated corpse of George Carlin unleashes waves of fully deserved scorn upon the American people. After the second hour, the speech decays to repeated shouts of “fuck you” at increasing volume. Awkward cuts are then made to car commercials.

Man Punches Man

A single clip of one man being punched in the solar-plexus looped for twenty-five minutes. A smash hit that produces multiple spin-offs, including a film directed by David Lynch.

Oprah Prime

The weekly international broadcast from the Opranian Empire, dictated by the Overmistress herself.

The Mirror Show

Using the latest in psi-scan technology, this program will replay idyllic moments from the viewer’s memory that they can never reclaim. Sponsored by Prozac.

Who Wants To Knife-Fight Ann Coulter?

A trivia game show that offers the winner a once in a lifetime opportunity: a no-holds-barred knife fight with Anne Coulter in international waters.

Two Minutes to Midnight

A twenty-four hour live feed of the doomsday clock. If (ie: when) it reaches midnight, a mock New Year’s Eve ball with a cobalt bomb inside will drop.

Originally written for Tiger Magazine.

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