A Juggalo Christmas Carol

A juggalo Christmas album exists. This is the worst song on it.

Merry Christmas Juggalettes
Hell yeah
It’s Twiztid and Blaze
Up in this beeotch

Some background: they’re rapping clowns. More detailed background: they’re the sidekicks to the Insane Clown Posse, more popular rapping clowns. More background than you ever wanted: Blaze is a dead gangbanger that came back as a rapping juggalo zombie. I wish I came up with this.


Stuffin your stockin’s like
a stripper on 8 mile

Some things in this song are stupid . Others are vulgar. This line stands out for making no sense.

So if your pretty
lil clam shell neden hair
Is trimmed up like a Christmas tree.06
We got some garland for that muthafucker

This sets the tone for what follows.

Shes lookin at me
like she wanna deck my halls
(Deck my halls..deck my halls) 

Guess what he rhymes this with.

Swirl the candy cane
And lick my balls

Collect your money at the gate.

(Lick my balls..lick my balls)

The robot echo is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

Take your panties off
And decorate your chirstmas tree
Take your panties off
And decorate your Christmas tree
Take your panties off
And decorate your Christmas tree
(Ohhhhhh is that for me)

I’ve heard a few hooks in my time. This is the only one to ever make me stop reading, look up, stare blankly at the world around me, and scream.

She was dressed like
one of Santas naughty lil elves
With a see through bra
and a garter belt

Santa’s elves are  almost universally portrayed as children.

She had the biggest
baddest bush that I ever did see

The three little pigs and the juggalette pubic hair. A children’s story for the ages. It huffs and puffs and spreads pubic lice.

Take your panties off
And decorate my chirstmas tree

I keep thinking I misheard him, and he keeps proving me wrong.

Take your panties off and
decorate your chirstmas tree
Take your panties off and
decorate your Christmas tree
Take your panties off and
decorate your Christmas tree
(Ohhhhhh is that for me)

This is a backwards achievement. You’ll never see this combination of words appear in another song. It’s achieved originality through failure.

Lick the candy cane
Like ya lick my dick
(lick my dick…lick my dick)
So take it in the
face to the gumdrops bitch
(Gum drop bitch…gum drop bitch)

Let’s pretend that we’re not talking about jizzing on a stripper for a moment, and talk about writing. You have to make a choice between saying something straightforwardly or using innuendo. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Yo let me spank it
like a reindeer ho
Yo let me spank it
like a reindeer ho
Yo let me spank it
like a reindeer ho
ohh you all scary
I don’t know…

What would a reindeer ho look like? Do they wear high heels in sets of four?

Reindeer ho..Reindeer ho
Yo let me spank it
like a reindeer ho
Reindeer ho..Reindeer ho
Ho ho ho …reindeer ho

Shaking her ass
like some jingle bells
Going up and down North Pole

This is as confused as metaphors about loose girls screwing clowns can get.

Acting like a nympho
Mistle toe on top of my dick
So take it in the
face to the gumdrops bitch

Here’s how I know my priorities are warped: I’m somehow angrier about bringing back the line “take it in the face to the gumdrops” then the overt misogyny informing every line of this song.

Take it in the face
to the gumdrops bitch
Take it in the face
to the gumdrops bitch
Take it in the face
to the gumdrops bitch

Never mind. I think I’m justified.

Your gonna have to
put in in my ass
cause my cootchie itch

False alarm. Misogyny has pulled ahead and lapped the competition.

Take your panties off and
decorate your chirstmas tree
(THREE MORE FUCKING TIMES)

The second lap in this song is when a dark feeling kicks in. The irony wears off, and the anger sets in. This exists. It was written and recorded by men with free will.

I dropped my egg nog
when she rubbed into the balls
(rubbed into the balls…rubbed into the balls)
It felt so good
You wanna get some
(wanna get some…wanna get some..wanna get some)

The clowns are pretty close sexually. One starts to wonder why the stripper is even there.

Take your panties off and
decorate your chirstmas tree
Take your panties off and
decorate your Christmas tree
Take your panties off and
decorate your Christmas tree
(Ohhhhhh is that for me)

This is creating feminists. In four minutes I’ve been convinced that I need to dismantle the patriarchy. And I’m in the patriarchy.

She was lickin her lips
while shes unwrappin her gifts
With her red G String
peekin outta the hips
Now she crawl on the tree
like shes working the pole 

Nothing like pine needles stuck in your thong.

Go go on and let me
spank it like a reindeer ho

You don’t have to do the verse again. Please. I beg you.

Yo let me spank it
like a reindeer ho
Yo let me spank it
like a reindeer ho
Yo let me spank it
like a reindeer ho

I could have just written “repeats six times.” But I want everyone to be as tired of these words as I am.

Take it in the face
to the gumdrops bitch
Take it in the face
to the gumdrops bitch
Take it in the face
to the gumdrops bitch

Blaze watches too much porn, methinks.

Your gonna have to put in my ass
cause my cootchie itch

Since I can’t find the words to describe this couplet, here’s a list of festive STDs.

1. Yule Log
2. Red Nose
3. Decked Halls
4. Christmas AIDS

Take your panties off and
decorate your Christmas tree
Take your panties off and
decorate your Christmas tree
Take your panties off and
decorate your Christmas tree
(Ohhhhhh is that for me)

Take your panties off
And decorate my Christmas tree
take take in the face
to the gumdrops bitch
Yo let me spank it
like a reindeer ho
(Yo let me spank it like a reindeer ho)

I want to hear this at the end of the next Rudolph special.

[woman moaning]
oh oh oh….

Classy.

Take your panties off and
decorate your chirstmas tree
Take your panties off and
decorate your Christmas tree
Take your panties off and
decorate your Christmas tree

The Christmas tree is her pubic hair. In case you were enjoying life.

(Ohhhhhh is that for me)

It’s for all of us, nameless stripper. It’s for all of us. Merry Christmas readers. All three of you.