A Suggestion for the New Management

A snapshot of 5th Ave.

Congratulations. Now that your victory lap is over, it’s time to consider what comes next. You have a proven fondness for aphorisms, and “proper planning prevents piss-poor performance” is an American classic. I’m sure you appreciate its value from your perch atop the black tower.

Now, neither of us needs to pretend that details are your specialty. There’s a cabinet for that. You’re more interested in sweeping gestures. Grandiose stunts that captivate an attention-deficit population. Which is good, because the nation faces equally massive problems. Particularly, a level of partisan division that feels very 1861.

Let’s set aside the issue of blame. I have papers to write, and you have things to grab. What’s important today is tempering the all-consuming hatred between the two Americas. No agenda can prosper when the national discourse maintains the civility of a well-dressed knife fight. Considering the unique character of your agenda, pursuing unity will require some creativity.

Mercifully, you’ve shown some interest in this problem. In your words, “Now it’s time to bind the wounds of division, [and] come together as one people.” A fine pullquote for your Twitter. Unfortunately, some tasks are bigger than 140 characters. The wounds of division have festered, and the common ground between Americans has been lost amongst quibbles over what constitutes fascism. A steep challenge for any leader, regardless of hand size.

Despite my checkered past in the opposition, I’d like to help you. In the tradition of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, I’m ready to kneel before the black tower. I come bearing a humble gift: a way to heal America. A cure to the wounds of division. A way to bring Democrats, Republicans, socialists, fascists, and ever-elusive moderates together.

Kill yourself.

Suicide would immediately shock your enemies on the left into silence. We have, fairly or otherwise, elevated you into a symbol of the right wing’s faults. Your sacrifice would force us to reflect on the intensity of our invective, and reach out to our countrymen on the right with a new sense of understanding.

Normally, your allies would not be receptive to such a gesture. Olive branches are, by and large, considered a symbol of leftist weakness. But your supporters would be in mourning. Losing the head of one’s family or cult of personality forces one to recognize the fleeting nature of life, and the futility of holding grudges. By ending your life, you could unite America in somber reflection.

Moreover, suicide would guarantee your place in the annals of American history. While multiple commanders-in-chief have had their lives taken, you would be the first to take your own life. As America’s greatest showman, I’m sure you can appreciate the dramatic quality.

The way forward is clear. But how to go about it? It may be tempting to simply mix a bleach cocktail and get to the point. But I encourage you go further. To unite the country, you should pursue the most impressive suicide possible. Something iconic that will mark the American subconscious long after you rejoin the carbon cycle. I’d suggest jumping off the black tower, but I’m sure you have your own ideas. Just remember to choose something visible. You’ve always put on a show that no one can look away from, and the finale will be held to the same standard.

Every leader is more popular as a corpse. A well-executed death elevated Caesar from a flashy dictator to the herald of a new empire. You have the potential to surpass him. Instead of waiting for Brutus, grab the hilt of the knife yourself. Silence every whisper of “kakistocracy” in one stroke, and defy everyone that ever considered you a coward. What kind of coward would sacrifice his life for the good of his people?

And yes, to confront the obvious question, it must be a suicide. Moral qualms aside, an assassin would only push current divisions to their logical conclusion. The world’s first atomic civil war is a poor legacy. A stable, radiation-free future requires you to take your martyrdom into your own hands. And I know you can do it. Despite past failures, I believe that you have what it takes to save America. Now you just need to show the rest of the world. Embrace greatness, commit suicide, and make America…you know.

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