Some of you are going through a rough patch. The symptoms are varied. They could be unemployment, madness, a hangnail, or an addiction to bath salts. Yet the key factor is you. You’ve disappointed everyone that ever believed in you, particularly yourself. As things stand, your existence might be described as a suicide in slow motion.
There are two options. You can fast forward, or you can join a cult.
If you’re still with me, I assume that you’ve chosen the cult. Congratulations. Suicide is the easy way out, while surrendering your free will takes character. Your courage will be rewarded with improvement in almost every part of your pathetic existence. The old you is about to be replaced with a happier, more compliant you. Today the first day in the rest of your new life. A life dedicated to kissing the feet of a bearded man in tie-dyed renaissance fair robes.
Spirituality
The most obvious benefit, but the most important. The spiritual guidance offered by your cult leader will fill the crater-sized existential hole in your heart. The looming dread of your own mortality can be replaced with the warm fuzzy knowledge that when the Blood Moon rises this December, you will be safe in your first class seat on a spaceship headed to Valhalla. You’ll sleep well knowing that the stewardesses on said spaceship will wear form-fitting jumpsuits and offer free foot massages. These will feel infinitely better in zero gravity. Just try not to think of your bank account as your prophet gathers funds for the journey.
Guidance
Sadly, every good idea has its critics. I can imagine the braying skeptics already: “Spiritual questions are one thing, but how can an isolated compound full of chanting loons help me with real world issues?” As usual, the nay-sayers both ignore the facts and fail to contribute solutions of their own. Skeptics like to forget the myriad practical benefits of joining a cult. Moving onto the compound will eliminate almost all of your financial concerns. Your rent and rations are all covered by the generosity of your divine provider. Your so-called life’s savings are a small price to pay to never have to set foot into an office of nonbelievers again.
Community
Cultists are like a family. One that never forgets your birthday, steals your girlfriend, or ruins Thanksgiving dinner. They also won’t fight over your grandmother’s inheritance or send you to a boarding school. In fact, a cult is better than a family by any metric. Consider cutting all contact with your family after you’ve joined. If they really cared, wouldn’t they be there with you?
Dating
Some say that being satisfied with yourself should be one’s first priority. These people are wrong. Finding someone else to latch onto is priority number one in today’s world. Luckily for you, cults are an unrivaled dating pool. They combine the close-knit community of a church with the rank desperation of online dating. Add the undercurrent of loneliness that fuels most dance club hookups, and you have the cure to your single status.
Self-Esteem
Society’s never given you the respect you deserve. Just because you’re trying things out, you get called a shiftless flake. You take a few years off to relax, and suddenly you’re lazy. Because modern culture has everyone else brainwashed, society ignores your status as a unique snowflake. Fortunately, your cult will. You’ll finally have a group that can see the real you. They’ll reaffirm everything you always knew about yourself. You’ll be the center of attention as you enter your new home. Granted, eventually there’ll be a new recruit. Attention will briefly gravitate towards them, and the one after them. But it’s only temporary. You know that the prophet only cares for you.