A Humble Offer for the NSA

It’s a busy time for you. We live in an age where a teen’s temper-tantrum gets him arrested for “terroristic threats.” The American people spend most of their time huddled in their basements waiting for foreign cobras to strike from the shadows. This puts significantly more pressure on your organization, along with your cousins in DHS and insane uncles in the CIA. I’m sympathetic. Unlike the pinkos whining about their “fundamental rights,” I understand that in order to make an omelet you have to break a few constitutional amendments.

After the PRISM leak, you need a bit of damage control. The talking heads meant to be defending your actions are royally botching the job. Your friends in the legislative and executive branch failed at the one job you trusted them with: lying. A toddler caught with his hand in the cookie jar could come up with less obvious lies than what Washington’s fed to the media.  Obama’s line about Americans being exempt from PRISM is the kind of blatant nonsense one spews when found seven inches into a stripper. There’s a better way. Namely, me.

I’m the spokesperson PRISM needs. After checking with three different doctors, I can confirm that my head is a healthy distance away from my own rectum. This will allow me to make an infinitely more cogent and less transparent defense of PRISM than President Obama or White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. Admittedly, NSA director Keith Alexander has shown some dexterity in the fine art of bullshit. He’s convinced a sector of the public that intelligence from PRISM has prevented terror attacks on the stock exchange, the resurrection of Osama Bin Laden by necromancers, and the blackening of the sun. But Keith Alexander is a talented amateur. I’m a specialist.

I’m a beautifully effective liar. I bullshitted my way into and through Princeton. I talked my way through my driver’s test despite nearly flattening a family of four. My resume transforms a decade of video games and borderline alcoholism into a series of accomplishments rivaling the combined journeys of Odysseus and Aeneas. This power can be in your hands.

I have a simple three-step proposal. My first step will be rebranding the fourth amendment. Going forward, it will exclusively be referred to as “that-which-must-not-be-named.” Any public school that refers to its original name and content will lose all federal funding. Any private school that refuses to play along will be bought out and turned into a “Freedom Center.” The ever-reliable power of fear should put a swift end to that-which-must-not-be-named.

I will then accuse Edward Snowden of witchcraft. This will be infinitely more believable than the charges of espionage and treason called for by American lawmakers. I must admit my disappointment in the our politicians’ remedial mendacity skills. The bulk of the public may be apathetic fools, but they aren’t in comas. There is far more credibility in condemning Snowden as a servant of the Mammon under the terms of the Malleus Maleficarum than as a spy.

Finally, I will deny the existence of the PRISM. Politicians seem to have forgotten the golden rule of the Clinton administration: deny, deny, and deny. No matter how many photos the vultures unearth of you smoking pot, deny inhaling. No matter how many interns you sexually harass, deny even knowing their names. Eventually, the world will conform to your version of reality. After one month of denying PRISM, I will deny the existence of the NSA. The news cycle will then move on to the pop star of the hour.

Naturally, I’ll supplement this three-pronged assault on truth with a worldwide tour. I will personally fly to every remotely friendly nation, shake their leaders’ hands, and lie to their faces. It’s going to take a lot of hard work on the ground to convince our allies that we haven’t broken basic elements of their trust. Especially because we have, and have no plans to stop in the foreseeable future. Any amateur can make an excuse. Only an artist can craft true bullshit.

Think of this as a highly public cover letter. I know that many of the good men and women on Capitol Hill pride themselves on their lying ability, but they aren’t serving your needs. There are times when you simply have to hire a specialist. Whatever choice you make, I wish you the best of luck. The Panopticon won’t build itself, after all.

Update: I’m bringing my case to the people. Support my efforts to become PRISM spokesman: http://www.change.org/petitions/national-security-agency-appoint-lying-expert-dennard-dayle-as-spokesperson-for-prism