Look, I’m not going to lie to any of you and say that I have a life, because I clearly don’t. However, mayhaps from this, I can bring forth some tales of ULTIMATE TERROR that lie dormant in the benign. And that benign for today is Degrassi High School, contained in a universe where narrative causality is both law and menace.
You might be asking, “But why THAT universe to start off?” or “Surely there are far worse universes you could pick, no?” or even “What are you, a 14 year old girl?”
I am here to answer those questions that you didn’t ask.
First off, I picked it because of its inoccuous nature. Imagine: a typical high school setting, much like the one you attended, with its various cliques, schoolwide idiosyncracies, and *gasp* occasional interpersonal issues, as well as people dealing with how to ‘become an adult’ (more on that fallacious line of thinking later).
Got it? Good. Now, imagine all that pressure, uncertainty, pettiness, loathing, and anxiety, and add on top of it that you cannot screw up. Not even once. Why? Because the angry and insane gods have decreed that there is now a 1:1 ratio between misstep and brutally disproportionate consequence.
Lose your virginity in a somewhat compromising situation? Congratulations! You’re pregnant! Have sex without protection once? Congratulations, you’re pregnant! Try crystal meth once? Congratulations! You will develop instant withdrawal symptoms, crippling addiction, and will be kicked out of the band that you founded and lose your girlfriend within 24 hours of your first hit!
I was going to continue for specific examples, but upon the Wiki character sheet there was enough shit to the point where I could copy and paste at random and it’d be guaranteed to at least raise an eyebrow of disbelief. So I will! Here goes!
“Anya convinces Sav to have sex in the limo to keep him away from his arranged wife. She befriends Riley and is the second person he comes out to. She encourages him to ask out Zane, a classmate in their yoga class. Holly J. convinces her to fake a pregnancy to drop Sav out of the presidential election, but the plan backfires when they use the pregnancy to increase Sav’s votes, securing him the student presidency.She ultimately breaks up with Sav after he lies to his mother to hide their relationship again. Her mother is diagnosed with cancer, and she tries to date her mother’s doctor, but her feelings are unrequited. She takes a CPR class with Owen, where she feels uncomfortable with him. She gets rejected by the only college she applies to (Toronto University), and has a one-night stand with Owen, which turns into a relationship. To deal with her problems, she develops a cocaine addiction which has a negative effect on her and Owen’s relationship, but it gets repaired. She graduates from Degrassi and enlists in the military.”
Another:
“Darcy was a straight-laced Christian and was a member of the school Christian group and Friendship Club, and the leader of the Spirit Squad. She dates Spinner in season 5 and tries to convert him into a born-again virgin. She posts risqué photos of herself online in season 6 that attracts a 40-year-old man who tries to physically contact her. Spinner breaks up with her because of her hypocritical behavior. Afterwards, she develops a relationship with Peter. In season seven, she is raped at a snowboarding party and contracts chlamydia. After the discovery she tries to commit suicide, and is put in counseling to deal with her issues. She eventually has sex with Peter.”
Look, I’m not saying fucked up things like all of these mentioned don’t happen every day. However, since this single school with its limited cast has to represent a whole myriad of issues, each character gets saddled with multiple simultaneous issues that, frankly, more often than not have nothing to do with each other. Rape leading to chlamydia leading to potential suicide is a logical strain of thought, yes, but the likelihood of each one happening in a row decreases when you add another at the end. It’s like a slot machine of bad luck.
First, we will focus on a hotbutton theme that comes about with adolescence and, like it or not, doesn’t relent until your genitals do. I am of course talking about sexual intercourse. Doing the deed. Bumping uglies. Zooma zoom zooming in the boom boom. In any other universe, characters having sex would be…well, characters having sex. But here, due to the moralistic demands of extradimensional viewers (I know it’s a fucking TV show humor me here) there must be examples made. If sex happens, bad things will follow. A list:
Liberty: Knocked up by J.T. Yorke, decided to keep baby- J.T. resorts to selling prescription drugs to fund his new little bundle of joy, leading him down a dark path. Comically enough, he wisens up before he gets murdered by the seedy drug underworld/himself ODing on Oxycodone, only to be murdered by the seedy dude-taking-a-piss-on-a-car world. More of a suck-by-proximity case.
Darcy: as mentioned before, she was date-raped on a skiing trip after being roofied at a party, and caught chlamydia. She also lost her virginity in this instance. This is after a long drawn out campaign to wait until she was ‘ready’.
Paige: Went to a party. Got raped. Was a virgin.
Bianca: Went to a concert. Almost got raped. Murdered the dude instead, though by accident (kinda).
Ashley: Loses virginity to boyfriend, boyfriend goes batshit and proposes to her, destroys shit when she says no.
I could go on but you get the point.
Next we will go onto dalliances with drug addiction- admittedly never a pretty process, but once again due to time constraints of being a TV show universe, they happen at alarming speed and have somewhat exaggerated consequences.
Craig: Gets addicted to cocaine after being ‘in the music biz’ for what is assumedly around the period of a week.
Peter: The grand prize winner, gets addicted to crystal meth after doing it once (so far that’s realistic), then proceeds to lose his band and his girlfriend, has a mental breakdown and hijacks a talent show in the middle of his own band’s set, then wanders the streets in a haze, assumedly near death. Oh, this happens in less than 24 hours.
This will be continued in part 2, as I’m shit with deadlines (hey, some metahumor! Yay!) and there is more that needs to be broken down… in the world…of Degrassi…what the fuck has my life become wait no FOCUS back on track
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR WHEN WE EXPLORE THE BITTER PRATFALLS OF CAUSALITY IN ALT. UNIVERSE CANADA.