Cynic’s Guide to Comic Book Movies: DC/Vertigo

Batman: The Movie

Proof that idiots will always try to elevate themselves over wit they will never understand by making a “shark repellant” joke every time Adam West is mentioned.


People in the 70s will believe anything.

Superman II

The funny thing about pinnacles is that it’s all downhill from here.

Superman III

Case in point.
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

If I said anything funny right now, it would prove that something good could come from this movie, which has already been proven impossible.

Superman Returns

Though known to all but a few, this was a sequel to Labyrinth. Brandon Routh’s crotch was a sorry replacement for David Bowie’s, though. I don’t think anyone lost their virginity just by watching this movie.


Here lies Slo-Mo’s cool value. 1999-2009.

V For Vendetta

Don’t watch this with a /b/tard. He’ll end up dead and you’ll end up in jail, regardless of how right you were to kill him.


Tim Burton gets so many things right on the surface of this movie that you don’t notice just how many things he fucked up everywhere else.

Batman Returns

Enjoy it, kids. The Penguin won’t be cool again until Arkham City and Danny Devito won’t be anywhere again until It’s Always Sunny.

Batman Forever

Batman & Robin

If you’re going to make a bloody adaptation, find someone who has an ounce of respect for the source material. We made this mistake again ten years later with Transformers.


Even more wrong than wrong can be.


I think I have the address of the guy who saw this.


No matter how much you want to forget this film, you will never stop seeing sluts at Halloween parties wearing its…”iconic” costume.
[Ed: Try Elektra for some variety.]

Green Lantern

In Brightest Day, In Blackest Night, Ryan Reynolds is a douchebag, I want my money back.

Batman Begins

No one noticed that Rutger Hauer was in this.


The Dark Knight

Why? Because you idiots overquote this damn thing more than Monty Fucking Python, that’s why.

The Dark Knight Rises

The whiney tears shed over this movie could drown Aquaman.

The Man of Steel

This is one way to atone for Suckerpunch, I suppose.
[Ed: No it isn’t.]

DC Animated Movies

Well of course no one outside of the fan community will notice these things if you keep making them consistently good. Try doing All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder. The viewers will come. The viewers will come.

Jonah Hex


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