So you’ve died. It’s unfortunate, but it happens to all of us. But not all of us make it back to the other side. If you’re anything like me, you haven’t even finished a quarter of the debauchery you intended to get through on Earth. Meaning it’s time to claw your way out of that casket and get back to the parade.
“But how?” you might ask. Getting hit by that bus didn’t leave much for the doctors to work with. Once again, listening to me is the best and only answer. Using my crack team of five imaginary scientists, I’ve identified the five best methods of coming back to life. After all, who wants to deal with Casper for all eternity?
A) Reincarnation
An oldie but a goodie. Reincarnation allows you to jump right back into the circle of life and start fresh.
The only problem is that reincarnation requires bit of prep time. Coming back as a human at all requires you to have lived a semi-decent life. After all, people don’t shave their heads and move to a mountaintop temple for no reason. If you spent your time in the mortal coil backhanding prostitutes, you have a good chance of coming back as a dung beetle.
B) Zombification
One of the newer options. It’s popular among the kids right now, but like most youth pastimes it comes with severe brain damage and a herd mentality. Use this as a last resort, unless you’re a film buff.
C) Necromancers
Do you recall the bitter kids in high school? The ones with black clothes, black candles, and Black Sabbath t-shirts? Well, not all of them were putting on a front sponsored by Hot Topic. A handful of them were legitimate students of the dark arts, and have long since graduated. These depressed wizards now have the juju to bring you back to life.
The trick is getting in contact with them. Ouija boards used to be fashionable, but mass marketing has made them about as useful as a foam sword.
D) Possession
Sometimes, you have to take what you want. By possessing a living being, you can kick down the cosmic door separating you and life as a supermodel. The first few months will be difficult, as the original soul bites, kicks, and screams to regain control. But if you have just a bit of Pazuzu in you, you can come out on top.
Avoid priests.
E) Retcon
If your reality happens to be encompassed by a piece of ongoing fiction, you’re not out of the game yet. Your obsessive fanbase can convince the authors to drag you out of the dirt, no matter how many flaming pieces you were blown to. For the parent company, the quality of the story is purely secondary to the bottom line. That logic is your ticket back to Earth.