Please Cancel Me

To All Concerned,

It’s time someone said it. After years on the sidelines, watching the outrage machine collide with career after career, I’m going to speak my mind. I demand that the pearl-clutching scolds of America stop leaving me out.

Since high school, I’ve spewed thoughtless invective in every direction, through every platform I could get my hands on. Articles. Fiction. Xbox Live. Yet no one’s had the basic decency to propel me into the national spotlight. That’s a damning indictment of modern discourse. If I don’t deserve to be cancelled, then who does?

Any hack can rehash outdated slurs on a b-grade podcast. It takes an artist to make a deeply Orientalist fantasy setting from the ground up. If demeaning Andrew Yang gets Shane Gillis fired from SNL, writing The Fallen Spear Chronicles should get me ejected from civil society altogether. Why are critics ignoring the rich subtext of a 2000-page saga in favor of derogatory text? The Asian-American community and I both deserve better.

This injustice can’t be separated from race. As an early 4chan poster, I consider modern bigotry deeply derivative of my past work. I’ve been ready for an alt-right pivot since 2006, and in a fair system I’d already be an OG (original grifter). Yet I’ve watched white grifters with half the talent for normalizing hatred get ahead. Sure, there are a few token successes like Tareeq Nasheed and Candance Owens. But most of us go hungry.

Where’s my Vulture thinkpiece? Where’s the legion of Tweets linking directly to my personal site and creative back catalog? When do I get my international redemption tour? How long do I get to say whatever I want with impunity? My pilot needs that exposure if it’s ever going to get anywhere.

I’m willing to target any protected group, including my own. Granted, being black dulls the impact of a classic n-bomb. But I’m willing to tap into the advanced racist lexicon (windchimes, urban youth, declined voters, etc.) to make this happen. There’s nothing more powerful than a man with a dream. I have what it takes to change the way we demean subalterns for a generation.

We’re all tired of half-hearted apologies. That’s why I’ll offer no apologies. I’ll dive down into the trenches of social media and daytime television, manually responding to everyone with the temerity to challenge my status as a comedy god. I will not double down. I will quadruple down. I’ll provide enough outrage porn to entertain our dying nation for at least a year.

Give me a chance.

Blind Monkey
Attention-Malnourished Creative