Ask Doctor Maximus: Round Three

The mad scientist returns to dispense advice to the unwashed masses.

Dear Doctor Maximus,
Every year, my family gets together at the local park just to spend three hours screaming at each other. Should I come up with an excuse to stay home, or just tell them that I’m sick of their negativity?
-Belinda Yost

Families, much like tumors, should be cut out of your life as quickly as possible. With a laser, if necessary. Delaying treatment can cause family to spread to your lymph nodes, which can entangle you in baby showers and co-signing high-interest loans.

Dear Doctor Maximus,
My thesis is due next week, and I have nothing. I had six months to put something together, and I’ve spent less than an hour working. I burned through my research grant on a series of Vegas benders, none of which I can remember. This letter is longer than my thesis. Help?
-Andy Wheeler

Unless you change your topic to Effects of Tequila on Academic Performance, extreme measures are in order. Do you have any dirt on your advisor? Perhaps the Dean? If not, hire a private detective. Blackmail is the only way you’re getting out of this situation unscathed.

Yo D-Max,
My wife says I’m having a mid-life crisis. All I’m trying to do is buy a sports car with a built in jacuzzi and monkey valet. How do I get her to step off?
-Bernie “DJ Q” Randolph

Let’s think outside the box and entertain the idea that you’re having a mid-life crisis. I know you wrote expecting me to tell you to strap your wife to a rocket, but I’ve never found that approach healthy. I vaporized one ex-girlfriend, and she came back as a superheroine made of energy. That wasn’t a great conversation. In fact, I think Kelly’s attacking the base now.

Dear Doctor Maximus,
I just found out that I have a terminal case of death. What should I add to my bucket list?
-Leon Wolf

Personally, I’ve always wanted to fist-fight a head of state. It seems classier than wrestling idiots in spandex for a living. I’d avoid taking on Putin though. That man could probably strangle a panther.

Dear Doctor,
One of my most trusted employees has been stealing money from the company for years. How do I confront him?
-Anita Burl

Promote him to management immediately. This way, he’ll think of you kindly when he’s stepped on enough people to surpass you. He’s shown the character necessary to succeeding in modern corporate culture. You can get in line, or get out the way.

Dear Doctor M,
I’m a bit short on cash. How much meth do you think you have to sell to get an Xbox?
-Jackie Blueman

It’d probably be easier to steal the Xbox. Selling drugs might sound like fun at first (it doesn’t, but I’m writing under the assumption that you’re an idiot). However, things can get very complicated very quickly. You inherit all the danger of mad science with none of the prestige. There’s nothing like being tased by a DEA agent to make you question your choices.

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