Future Game Reviews

All reviews extracted from the December 2030 issue of Game Emperor magazine.

Executive Hero
Score: A Major

After the great Idea Drought of the 00’s, the music gaming genre makes an exciting comeback with Executive Hero. The player takes the role of a fresh-faced young record executive, ready to take the world by storm through signing the dullest acts possible.

Ninja Gaiden vs. Ghouls and Ghosts
Score: 3.141593 out of 4

It opens with a game over screen, and things only get harder from there.

Bioshock Xtreme Beach Volleyball
Score: 2 out of 100

Following up on the success of the Rapture Online MMO, BXBV answers the question no one asked: what a Splicer would look like in a string bikini.

Legend of the Commoner
Score: Nine for mortal men doomed to die
Legend of the Common puts a focus on the most overlooked figure of the high fantasy RPG: the helpless commoner. This creates a unique gaming experience: the minigames for rebuilding your shattered home and mourning the dead are unlike anything else.

The leveling system is extremely sophisticated, allowing the player to gain skill in everything from running to hiding. The “curl up into a ball and curse the god that abandoned you” skill is particularly useful.

Unfortunately, multiplayer suffers from some extreme balance issues. The home of the mason is far less flammable than those of the other characters.

Guncock V: The Shooting
Score: 11 out of 5

The Guncock saga comes to a dramatic and satisfying conclusion that should tide rabid fans over. Until next year’s installment.

While in the past the Guncock franchise has earned solid 12s and 13s from our publication, this time around the developers have been shockingly negligent in sending us our checks. Thusly, we are forced to acknowledge the mere idea that this game may have flaws.

Vitruvian Man
Score: Blue

The Super Monkey Ball game engine is revived with an artistic twist.

Sultry Salacious Slatterns Slay Sandworms
Score: 2 out of 10

Somehow, I don’t think this is what Frank Herbert had in mind.

Harvest Moon 1820
Score: One Toby
The addictive Harvest Moon formula is finally applied to the life and times of a slave. Accrue wealth (for your masters) and experience (for embittered future generations) via a complex system of cotton picking, whipping, more cotton picking, and merciful death.

Tentacle High: Rebirth
3 out of 5 traumatized schoolgirls

Despite the graphical update and application of the revolutionary P.E.R.V. control system, Rebirth fails to meet the complex storytelling standards of earlier entries in the Tentacle High franchise.

The Waves of the World
Score: Review scores are an arbitrary illusion

I can see infinity. This game, if you dare insult it by calling it such, is a gateway to a mental realm beyond mortal comprehension. The universe lies before the player like an egg cracked open. Human concepts and empires are dust in the wind. There is only Aether.


Leave a Reply