My fellow heroes,
Lex Luthor’s won his lawsuit over the broken collarbone he got during last week’s doomsday plot. We were already a billion or two in the red, so money’s going to be tight for a while. I ask that everyone bear with a few small changes for the good of the planet we serve. Measures from the department of super-accounting are attached.
The Watchtower wave pool will be replaced with a slip-and-slide. Apologies to Aquaman.
Sidekicks must now forage for their food.
Limited Lexcorp advertising will be stitched onto all capes. This may sound invasive, but you will be bringing the savings of Loony Lex Fridays to the downtrodden.
A certain rodent-themed trust fund brat might want to make a donation. We’re not naming anyone, but you know who you are.
The “Make Sense of Hawkman” taskforce is being let go. It’s a lost cause.
Green Arrow is limited to four arrows a mission. Make them count.
Frequent arch-nemeses may pay a “discretion fee” for two hours of uninterrupted villainy. This may or may not contribute points to a customer rewards card.
No more paying to fly the Flash anywhere. Let’s be reasonable.
New costumes will use imitation spandex.
The collateral damage has to stop. We can’t afford to hire a dozen construction workers every time you feel like punching Amazo through an office building. Show some discretion.
To take advantage of the endless cycle of temporary death, a life insurance policy has been taken out on all of you.
The Martian Manhunter can pay for his own Oreo addiction. On a similar note, Wonder Woman is banned from using League funds on replica weaponry. One can only carry so many swords.
We’re cutting down to ordering one crate of domino masks a month.
Insurance now regards reactions to kryptonite as a pre-existing condition.
All heroic likenesses may be used for the creation of action figures, tv sitcoms, and pornographic films.