MPAA Chairman CHRIS DODD lounges on a sedan chair held by four handmaidens. A book called “The Scrooge McDuck Guide to Life” rests in his lap. A young studio EXECUTIVE reaches the top of the spiral staircase leading to his chamber, visibly panting.
DODD
Speak.
EXECUTIVE
Good evening Sir. Consumers are-
DODD
Ahem. Professional terms.
EXECUTIVE
Good evening Master. The peons are irate.
DODD
That’s better. But why exactly should I care?
EXECUTIVE
Because our bills just died on the Senate floor.
CHRIS DODD unleashes a banshee screech, forcing the EXECUTIVE to clutch his ears in pain. As the EXECUTIVE returns to his feet, a thin line of blood flows from his right ear.
DODD
WHO DARES?
EXECUTIVE
Please don’t kill me.
CHRIS DODD
That depends on your explanation.
EXECUTIVE
SOPA had a few detractors.
CHRIS DODD
Such as?
EXECUTIVE
Everyone that isn’t us. It’s less of a PR disaster and more of a PR apocalypse.
DODD
Did you try blaming foreigners?
EXECUTIVE
It was our first course of action. I personally coined “rouge websites,” for what it’s worth. But the little people are catching on.
DODD
Fucking mortals.
EXECUTIVE
What?
DODD
Fucking pirates. How did the rabble get organized.
DODD
There was a web blackout. Wikipedia and the like shut down in protest.
DODD
Bring me the head of this “Wikipedia.”
EXECUTIVE
Wikipedia isn’t a person.
DODD
Are you questioning me?
EXECUTIVE
Er…it shall be done. What about the legislature, sire? I was looking forward to our information-barren dystopic empire. I already ordered jackboots.
CHRIS DODD
Just rephrase the act and throw in something about children. If I remember my time as a Senator, children are a political magic bullet. And delicious.
EXECUTIVE
I missed that last part.
DODD
Delicious. Succulent. Soft. Good with marinara sauce.
EXECUTIVE
That’s sick! Marinara sauce is disgusting.
DODD
Try soaking a copy of the first amendment in it. The flavor is fantastic.
P.S.: The first draft of this had an extremely painful “Kneel before DODD” joke.
PSS: I’m going to go full soapbox and say ACTA is the devil.