You’re a professional movie critic. You draw the short straw and spend Friday night watching Tyler Perry’s latest failure. As Madea shimmies to Gucci Gang one year too late, you whisper “This is why niggas need film school.” The black family behind you nods in unison.
You’re in the park. A masked black man Capoeira-kicks your date in the face before side-flipping into the bushes and disappearing. You exclaim “Nigga what the fuck?” before fleeing the scene.
You’ve been watching Aaron McGruder’s The Boondocks for three uninterrupted days. Your friends have no idea where you’ve been, or if you’re even alive. This doesn’t occur to you; there’s only the adventures of Huey and Riley Freeman. The sixteenth time the parody diss track “Eff Grandad” plays, you rap along, nigga and all. You then suffer an insomnia-induced cardiac episode.
You retire in two months. Before then, you’re expected to fire a talented black woman for “not matching the company culture.” With one sentence, you can give her the means to build a new life out of a seven figure lawsuit. You tell her “Tough luck, nigga,” in clear view of an active webcam. In this instance, the hard r is acceptable for effect.
You reach the final floor of your mortal enemy’s private tower, sword in hand. Your enemy, a black man between 30 and 55, sits behind a mahogany desk with his sword sheathed. “So it’s come to this,” he says between puffs of a cigar. “Yeah nigga, it has,” you say before making the first stroke.
It’s 1980. Darth Vader reaches out to a helpless Luke Skywalker and drops a truth bomb. You turn to your friend of any background, and say “Nigga did you see that?”
Dr. Negritude’s mountain lair is in chaos. While you hang from the side of a CIA helicopter, Dr. Negritude swears vengeance on you and the rest of Task Force X, shaking his fist from the ruined cockpit of a four-story mech. “Nice try, nigga,” you quip as you press the detonator.
You make the mistake of checking the morning news, and learn that the president has done or said anything. “This nigga,” you curse under your breath before returning to your day.