At the Movies: Triple Feature

The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty year olds that pay for movies. They are:
Alan: Resident malcontent.
Byron: One inch taller than six feet, one can short of a six pack.
Cammy: Mania mixed with mania.

Once again, our heroes are inside the William Matarle Theater instead of finding dates. Today, they observe the weekly “deals” while the ticket booth worker waits for the sweet embrace of death.

IRENE
Could you just pick something? I was supposed to go on break ten minutes ago.

CAMMY
(Pensive)
Hush. We’re thinking.

BYRON
I was mostly zoned out.

CAMMY
Two of us are thinking.

BYRON
Ouch. Hey, they have a three for one special this week.

ALAN
Too easy. It has to be a trap.

CAMMY
You worry too much. Why look a gift horse in the mouth?

ALAN
To make sure there isn’t a grenade hidden there.

BYRON
Is that how the Trojan Horse went down?

ALAN
No. Read a book.

BYRON
That was actually a joke. Asshat.

CAMMY
He’s all grown up now.

BYRON
I’m a year older than both of you.

ALAN
Only physically.

BYRON
Could we get three of the specials?

IRENE
That depends. Are you tipping me this week?

CAMMY
I don’t think register operators get tips.

IRENE
You three come here every week and pull the same shit. I should be getting a tip. Hell, I should be getting the last year of tips.

ALAN
(Brusquely)
That sounds like someone else’s problem. Tickets.

IRENE
(Defeated)
Whatever.

BYRON
Have a nice day.

IRENE
I hope you choke on your popcorn.

BYRON
These are Skittles.

IRENE
I’m not picky.

Level One: Django Unchained

ALAN
I can’t wait.

CAMMY
This is the third time you’ve watched this movie.

ALAN
No, it’s the third time I’ve watched this movie with you two.

BYRON
I like the part where he shoots the racist guys.

CAMMY
I love it too. But there are other movies.

ALAN
Those reports are yet to be confirmed. As things stand, this is the favorite film among people with eyes.

BYRON
Except Spike Lee.

ALAN
People with eyes that aren’t washed-up self-proclaimed chiefs of the nigga police.

CAMMY
N-word Police would be a fun movie. Could Aaron McGruder direct it? Uncle Ruckus already made his cinematic debut in this film.

BYRON
Whenever you say “n-word” it makes me chuckle. You sound like Tipper Gore making a press release on a rap album.

CAMMY
It wouldn’t be right to say it. I think you can see the legacy in this movie.

ALAN
Say what? Nigger? Nigga? Nig-nog-nig-nag? Niggatude? Niggamus Maximus?

CAMMY
You’re enjoying this.

ALAN
Immensely.

Level Two: Les Miserables

ALAN
Was this directed by a monkey, or two monkeys?

BYRON
My attention span just tapped out. How far along are we?

CAMMY
Thirty minutes.

BYRON
How long is it?

CAMMY
Over two hours.

BYRON
I’m going to go dick around in the arcade in the lobby.

ALAN
That’s against the contract.

BYRON
Contract?

ALAN
It’s on our ticket stub. We have to sit down for all three movies or pay full price.

BYRON
…my brain is folding into itself.

CAMMY
That’s because this is two steps removed from anything interesting. It’s the movie of a musical of a book.

ALAN
Russell Crowe is doing a good turn as a deaf mute.

BYRON
What exactly was supposed to entertain me here?

CAMMY
I get the gimmick. Everyone sang without cuts and the like. But you only get points for that if you can do it without sucking like a vacuum in a black hole.

ALAN
I, on the other hand, don’t get it. If someone really wants an Oscar this badly, isn’t there someone they could blow instead? It’d be better for their dignity.

Level Three: Movie 43

 

CAMMY
What the fuck is this?!

BYRON
What the fuck is this?!

ALAN
What the fuck is this?!

CAMMY
It’s like comedy had a lobotomy.

BYRON
It’s like comedy drank a bucket of lead paint.

ALAN
It’s like comedy committed suicide.

CAMMY
I feel nauseous.

BYRON
I feel ripped off.

ALAN
I feel furious.

CAMMY
I’m getting out of here.

BYRON
I’m getting a refund.

ALAN
I’m getting a gun.

With battered bodies and broken spirits, our heroes crawl out of the theater. Alan and Byron head straight for the car before slipping into a minor coma. Cammy goes to the ticket office for a confrontation.

CAMMY
You knew that would happen.

IRENE
Pardon?

CAMMY
You knew that thing…I won’t call it a movie…was at the end of this feature.

IRENE
I don’t follow.

CAMMY
Play dumb if you want. But I’m watching you. And all the tips in the world can’t buy you safety.

IRENE
I don’t get tips. That’s what we were arguing abou-

CAMMY
Watching you. Like a hawk. With binoculars.

That night, eighty percent of the staff behind Movie 43 commit hari-kiri. Their funerals are short and sparsely attended.

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