Alan, Byron, and Cammy stand at the end of a line in the snow. Alan looks pissed off, Byron looks cold, and Cammy looks tipsy.
A: Why are we here?
B: My philosophy teacher said-
A: No, numbnuts. Why are we waiting in this line?
B: To see a movie.
C: A hilarious movie.
A: We’re paying money to see an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. What’s funny about that?
B: I think it looks fun.
A: I think you’re a fucking idiot.
C: I’m going to liveblog this turd.
A: You’re even worse.
C: I apologize for nothing.
B: C’mon, we watched the show all the time when we were kids.
C: Well, my parents might have. Alvin and the Chipmunks were played out by the time I was old enough to say “change the channel.” That’s why this is going to be such a beautiful clusterfuck. We should be taking pictures.
A: Explain something to me.
C: I’ll try.
A: You, unlike our friend the monkey, know that this film is going to suck.
C: Yup. I have a brain, after all.
B: I’m still here.
A: But you’re going to see it anyway, despite the fact that the director is not holding any members of your family hostage?
C: That’s right.
A: Why on Earth would you do that?
C: Something special has happened here. The original show was already an excuse to resell music shifted up an octave. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore were corporate godsends.
B: I thought they were cute…
C: Now, take that cynical premise. Give it a cynical reboot. Then put two sequels on top of that. This is the nexus of capitalism. Anything resembling an artistic impulse has been beaten out of it by the marketing department. It’s beyond self-parody.
A: That’s very clever in theory. In application? We’ll be sitting there, trapped in a shitty movie. That we paid for.
B: I brought coupons.
A: Be quiet.
B: Why do I hang out with you two?
C: We put up with you.
A: I don’t.