Enough real analysis has been done on Occupy Wall Street that throwing my hat into the ring would only make me look like an idiot. So in lieu of commentary, praise, or condemnation, I’d like to make a request. A single, simple, request.
Can we light more cars on fire?
I grew up with a simple dream: seeing a dozen cars burn in real time. I have the same images of the LA and Paris riots etched into my mind as the rest of you, but have never had a chance to see a live riot. I was born just in time for the rebellious streak in the American character to be ground into dust. The rioting skill and adaptability displayed by Europeans has put us to shame over the last decade. After graduating, I realized this meant I’d never get to see a gang of teenagers cover a Hummer in diesel before striking a match. I immediately fell into depression. I never quite left.
A burning motorcycle is my green light across the water. My white whale. My mint condition copy of Superman #1. However, the largest movement of the people in years is peaceful. And that means no exploding Toyotas.
I implore you to reconsider.
Sure, the protests have already added some color to the boring workaday world. But wouldn’t it be nice to make more of that color orange? Some of you might call this pyromania. But I don’t want to burn everything. Just a few trucks, with a choir of angry chanting in the background.
Occupiers have expressed dissatisfaction with being ignored by the government. Well, it’d be a lot harder to ignore you if you flipped over a Representative’s Corvette before hitting it with a Molotov cocktail. If you want to make real headlines, go for a Senator’s ride. But I understand wanting to take baby steps. Rome wasn’t burned in a day.
Another recurring theme of the protests is that “corporations are not people”. Well, neither is a sedan. Break out the lighters and make a poor young man’s day. I’m part of the ninety-nine percent too, despite my best efforts. Isn’t my happiness as important as my employment?
I’m not limiting this request to the protestors. If a few policemen or investment bankers want to torch a Honda, be my guest. When it comes to automobile arson, we’re all in this together. The cars of the ninety-nine percent are just as flammable as those of the one percent.
I won’t discriminate between the kings of industry or the angry and unemployed. I’d just like to see some fireworks. If one man’s dreams mean anything to you, pick up a match today.