The Perfect Birthday Gift.

Another birthday. I could tell you about all my personal growth, if I was a liar. I hold myself to a higher standard. Over the last year, I have learned nothing. After finishing grad school, leaving a spouse, and losing a parent, I have not absorbed a single speck of wisdom.

This is enlightenment. Fools have a great deal to learn, while sages speak over them with confidence. As a man at the end of his spiritual journey, I haven’t acknowledged new information in over three hundred days. There’s simply no more room for growth.

Compare this against my contemporary, Buddha. It took him decades of indigent wandering and poignant reflections to achieve immortality. I’m already there, despite enjoying the comforts of indoor plumbing and Jagermeister.

My record also compares favorably to Christ, Kratos, and Avatar Aang. All three divine figures learned through a tumultuous youth, death, and ressurection. I, however, have avoided death entirely.

Now that I’m done learning, I look forward to bringing you my best work. Too much writing is informed by a nuanced point of view. As a perfect mind, I can spew invective with complete moral certainty.

My people are benevolent angels, the opposition are fanged demons, and bystanders are spineless cowards. All we need to do to perfect pluralist society is remove the demons (and the cowards, if they get too mouthy about it). Then we’ll have something better than pluralism: singularism.

The pluralist world is complicated, thanks to an excess of perspectives and big words. Singularism does away with all that. The right way to think and speak has been clear all along. It just happens to overlap with the habits of someone of my region, ethnic group, education, and forum of choice.

That lesson’s my gift to you. If you’re not a Jamaican New Yorker with a bad 4chan habit and prodigous Ivy League debt, it might seem unfair. In fact, it might seem suffocating. That’s just because you’re still learning. When your mind is nice and closed, you’ll see that I’m right. And nothing’s more important than being right.

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