At the Movies: Game of Thrones

The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty year olds on Earth paying for movies.

Alan: Not as smart as he thinks he is.
Byron: Hodor.
Cammy: Prone to madness and greatness.

Others rotate in and out.

The night is dark and full of spoilers.

The basement is tense with excitement. It’s the ninth episode of the season, and expectations are high. Alan is particularly upbeat.

CAMMY
Do you think Daenerys will ever do anything interesting again?

BYRON
She gets naked sometimes.

CAMMY
How nice for you.

ALAN
I enjoyed when she turned that one city into a smoking crater.

CAMMY
Fair enough.

Alan whistles and flicks a kernel of popcorn into the air. He catches it with the same hand, and tosses it into his mouth.

CAMMY
Something’s wrong.

BYRON
What?

CAMMY
Alan is smiling.

Alan smirks, and glances knowingly at his wrist. Cammy rolls up his sleeves to find a copy of “A Storm of Swords” by George R.R. Martin.

BYRON
Bastard!

CAMMY slaps ALAN across the face, failing to wipe away his shit-eating grin. 

ALAN
You two are in for a wild ride.

BYRON
How long have you known?

ALAN
I knew everything from Ned Stark’s haircut to Ygritte’s annoying-ass catchphrase.

BYRON
(Despairing)
But why?! It was your idea to watch this show together!

CAMMY
Some men want to watch the world…you know the deal. He’s an ass. He spent the week before Ned’s execution making beheading puns.

ALAN
I’ve watched my favorite characters suffer and die. Now, I’m passing the savings on to you.

Cammy raises her hand to slap him again.

ALAN
Strike me again and I will spoil everything you’ve ever loved!

Cammy drops her hand and bows. 

ALAN
You should pay attention to the show. Something…interesting might happen.

BYRON
Yeah yeah, wedding politics. Wake me up when the boobs and swords are back.

The wedding band starts playing “The Rains of Castamere.”

CAMMY
It’s that song!

BYRON
The Bear and the Maiden Fair?

CAMMY
No, the only other song that exists.

BYRON
…The opening credits?

ALAN
(Holding back laughter)
I wonder how those Duke boys will get out of this one?

Robb Stark loses his dreams, wife, child, mother, army, wolf, and life.

ALAN
It seems they won’t.

BYRON
Christ on a crutch! 

CAMMY
Did…that just happen?

BYRON
Why do I watch this? Everything’s fucked. All the good people get pushed off buildings, executed, or stabbed like a liquor store owner in Newark.

CAMMY
Does this mean I have to shut down my Tumblr collecting pictures of Michael Madsen in armor?

ALAN
I wish I could fill a water bottle with these tears.

BYRON
Can’t the Starks catch a break?

CAMMY
Bran’s a wizard now. That’s something.

BYRON
Would you trade your family and legs to be a wizard?

CAMMY
Bad example. My brother sucks, and I’m a terrible athlete.

ALAN
My siblings are fine, and I love to run. The answer is still yes.

BYRON
There’s something wrong with you two.

CAMMY
You sound like my mom. Don’t do this, or drop out of that, or snort this, or inject that.

ALAN
It’s been a pleasure watching you two squirm. Same time next week?

CAMMY
Listen. You might win today. But one day, someone who can use a camera is going to adapt Dune. Then the spoilers will be mine to control. And your happiness will turn into ashes in your mouth.

 The silent credits end. After several minutes contemplating their own mortality, our trio gets drunk and plays Mortal Kombat.

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