The NSA employee responsible for tracking known dissident Will “Big Willie Style” Smith recently leaked the following e-mail exchange between Smith and director M. Night Shyamalan.
Dear M. Night,
Opening weekend! I haven’t felt this much positive energy since my first album dropped. After Earth is going to be big, man. Titanic big. We’re going to make Avengers look like one of those Ernest movies you walk by in Wal-Mart. I should clear some space on my shelf for another Oscar.
I couldn’t have picked a better director. Or a better friend.
Sincerely,
Will Smith
M-Neezy,
What will you do with your hundred million dollars? I’m thinking of buying a nice island. Nothing too fancy, just something for the kids. They have to learn to swim sometime, and a few dozen miles of beach should give them enough paparazzi-free space to do it. There’s nothing worse than bringing your son to a YMCA pool and finding thirty TMZ reporters with water-proof cameras and snorkels.
Jayden’s buying Pisa. The city, not the tower. You should invest in a small city for your kids. It’s good for their character.
From,
Will
M-Dog,
We’re really too clever. Will Smith in a movie? Gold. Jayden Smith? Platinum. But together? That’s a bona-fide cinematic miracle. Citizen Kane’s gonna be a footnote once After Earth’s numbers come in.
As usual, the critics have their heads stuck up their asses. I don’t have to cuss to sell records, but the AV Club can go fuck itself. They wouldn’t know good film if it hit them in the dick with a sledgehammer.
Hit me back! I haven’t heard from you since post-production.
Your Boy,
Big W
Yo M,
You won’t believe this. I went to a Saturday night screening of After Earth in my new “prole” disguise. It took a while to find a fake mustache that matched my tuxedo, but it was worth it to blend in with average Joes. I try not to spend too much time in an ivory tower. Normal guys are allowed to fly to my island anytime.
The craziest thing happened: the theater was empty! I found the one unattended showing of After Earth in America. What were the odds! I’m sure everyone was just watching it in IMAX.
I’ll catch you later, I’ve got to make the first down payment on my island.
Big ups,
The Fresh King of LA
Hey man,
I’m starting to get a little worried. There are a lot of negative words floating around. Like “flop,” “forgettable,” and “worthless piece of self-indulgent dogshit.” Do you think we’re in trouble? I’ve already commissioned a statue of Jaden and I for the island.
-Will
Dear Will,
There seems to have been a misunderstanding.
I was sent to the realm of men with one purpose: the annihilation of film. My entire career has been dedicated to destroying man’s faith in cinema. I will take the gate to the imagination, and create a window into hell. My masters will accept nothing less than the corruption of everything remotely associated with modern entertainment.
I thought victory was at hand with The Last Airbender. Yet the damnable human spirit remains unbroken. I expected to win this battle with a single stroke, but now I must prepare for a siege. After Earth is the first battering ram in that siege.
You and your spawn were useful spawns. But I’m afraid I must move on to greener pastures. There are reputations less tarnished by arrogance and Scientology to drag into the mire. Enjoy shoehorning your son into a hip remake of “The Goonies.”
And don’t think I don’t see you, Agent Reynolds. You pry through my missives like a rat in the garbage. Your paymasters claim that they can protect you, but your time will come as well.
With Undying Hatred for the World of Man,
M. Night Shyamalan
P.S: Your kid looks like Riley Freeman.