The United Nations has politely reminded us of the impending collapse of civilization. Rough news. There’s no easy way to tell everyone they’re going to die, so I admire them […]
Articles
Satire on a fifth-grade level.
My Dungeons and Dragons Character Class Exonerates Me
I stand accused of burning down the 23rd St. Shake Shack on August 23, 2013. I do not dispute that the arson occurred. The ashen husk of the burger franchise […]
The Perfect Birthday Gift.
Another birthday. I could tell you about all my personal growth, if I was a liar. I hold myself to a higher standard. Over the last year, I have learned […]
We Can’t Judge Brett Kavanaugh by the Arsons of His Youth
I’ll be the first to admit that blocking Merrick Garland’s nomination was a disgrace. American discourse may never recover from the descent of Supreme Court nominations into partisan politics. That […]
The Next Fifty Mass Shootings
1. A disaffected teenage gamer is one of twenty-three pedestrians gunned down by an enthusiastic white nationalist. 2. A derivative retread of Sandy Hook. 3. A good guy with a […]
Hollywood Jim
Dear WrestleDome, Imagine me, last Wednesday, nursing a lethal hangover. I’m eating a Protein Brick on a stalled 2 train when I notice Hollywood Jim standing two passengers away from […]
Today’s Fortune Archive
As we all know, I’m a font of psychic faith and power. The stars speak to me, even when I’m trying to sleep or bore their voices out with a […]
Thank You for Eating Tide Pods
I didn’t enjoy December. After my relationship and place of work ceased to exist, my mother followed suit. Three days before Christmas. As you can imagine, I’ve been in a […]
I Don’t Take It Easy
Like any productive member of society, I do my laundry around 2:50 am. It used to be for the silence, now it’s simple routine. I could change, but then I […]
Hollywood Speaks Out Against Imperiex the Destroyer, Slayer of Apes
You’re a beautiful audience. Not as beautiful as me, or even my stunt double, but beautiful nonetheless. In a difficult time, beauty matters. I’d love to focus on my success: […]