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Articles
Satire on a fifth-grade level.
A Foolproof Solution for Climate Change
The United Nations has politely reminded us of the impending collapse of civilization. Rough news. There’s no easy way to tell everyone they’re going to die, so I admire them […]
My Dungeons and Dragons Character Class Exonerates Me
I stand accused of burning down the 23rd St. Shake Shack on August 23, 2013. I do not dispute that the arson occurred. The ashen husk of the burger franchise […]
The Perfect Birthday Gift.
Another birthday. I could tell you about all my personal growth, if I was a liar. I hold myself to a higher standard. Over the last year, I have learned […]
We Can’t Judge Brett Kavanaugh by the Arsons of His Youth
I’ll be the first to admit that blocking Merrick Garland’s nomination was a disgrace. American discourse may never recover from the descent of Supreme Court nominations into partisan politics. That […]
The Next Fifty Mass Shootings
1. A disaffected teenage gamer is one of twenty-three pedestrians gunned down by an enthusiastic white nationalist. 2. A derivative retread of Sandy Hook. 3. A good guy with a […]
Hollywood Jim
Dear WrestleDome, Imagine me, last Wednesday, nursing a lethal hangover. I’m eating a Protein Brick on a stalled 2 train when I notice Hollywood Jim standing two passengers away from […]
Today’s Fortune Archive
As we all know, I’m a font of psychic faith and power. The stars speak to me, even when I’m trying to sleep or bore their voices out with a […]
Thank You for Eating Tide Pods
I didn’t enjoy December. After my relationship and place of work ceased to exist, my mother followed suit. Three days before Christmas. As you can imagine, I’ve been in a […]
I Don’t Take It Easy
Like any productive member of society, I do my laundry around 2:50 am. It used to be for the silence, now it’s simple routine. I could change, but then I […]