As we all know, I’m a font of psychic faith and power. The stars speak to me, even when I’m trying to sleep or bore their voices out with a power drill. Hence the daily predictions beside the nav bar. I’ll maintain an archive of my wisdom here.
9/19/2018: Today’s Fortune: Illegal is just a state of mind.
9/18/2018: Psychics are the kind of upstanding citizens you can trust with your credit card number.
7/16/2018: No one accuses the homeless of selling out.
3/23/2018: Nero had the right idea.
3/22/2018: Trash is a medium. Become a virtuoso.
3/14/2018: Your wallet’s behind the couch.
3/11/2018: It’s a lot easier to say taxation is theft in March than May.
3/7/2018: It has begun.
3/5/2018: It might not be Thanksgiving, but it’s still a fine day to resent your loved ones.
3/4/2018: You already know what’s in the box.
3/3/2018: Sometimes the only way to make an omelette is executing the entire executive branch.
3/2/2018: It might feel like you’re stuck on Pompei, but the situation is far closer to the Titanic.
3/1/2018: We might have a quarter of the world’s prisoners, but if we work hard we can have half.
2/28/2018: Black History month is over. Feel free to return to standard levels of racial resentment.
2/27/2018: All you need is the security clearance in your heart.
2/25/2018: Be kind to strangers. No matter how bad the coup in your country is, the one in theirs might be worse.
2/24/2018: It’s never too late to give up on your dreams.
2/22/2018: Love is in the air. Wear a gas mask.
2/20/2018: Just stay inside.
2/19/2018: Challenge yourself. See how much of the evidence you can shred in one hour.
2/18/2018: It’s not who you know, it’s how well you can blackmail them.
2/17/2018: Make a change. Turn casual cruelty into methodical, formally planned cruelty.
2/16/2018: Reach out to the Russian plants in your life. They’re going through a rough time.
2/15/2018: Take the edge off tragedy with a few of your favorite platitudes.
2/14/2018: It’s not real love until they lie under oath for you.
2/13/2018: Enjoy your freedom. Take yourself out to divorce court.
2/12/2018: Your Olympic dream is out of reach, but your Olympic nightmare is just beginning.
2/11/2018: They can’t convict what they can’t catch.
2/9/2018: Your neighbors know. They all know.
1/15/2018: Invest in bomb shelters.
1/14/2018: She’s not coming back.