Today’s Fortune Archive

As we all know, I’m a font of psychic faith and power. The stars speak to me, even when I’m trying to sleep or bore their voices out with a power drill. Hence the daily predictions beside the nav bar. I’ll maintain an archive of my wisdom here.

9/19/2018: Today’s Fortune: Illegal is just a state of mind.

9/18/2018: Psychics are the kind of upstanding citizens you can trust with your credit card number.

7/16/2018: No one accuses the homeless of selling out.

3/23/2018: Nero had the right idea.

3/22/2018: Trash is a medium. Become a virtuoso.

3/14/2018: Your wallet’s behind the couch.

3/11/2018: It’s a lot easier to say taxation is theft in March than May.

3/7/2018: It has begun.

3/5/2018: It might not be Thanksgiving, but it’s still a fine day to resent your loved ones.

3/4/2018: You already know what’s in the box.

3/3/2018: Sometimes the only way to make an omelette is executing the entire executive branch.

3/2/2018: It might feel like you’re stuck on Pompei, but the situation is far closer to the Titanic.‬

3/1/2018: We might have a quarter of the world’s prisoners, but if we work hard we can have half.

2/28/2018: Black History month is over. Feel free to return to standard levels of racial resentment.

2/27/2018: All you need is the security clearance in your heart.

2/25/2018: ‪Be kind to strangers. No matter how bad the coup in your country is, the one in theirs might be worse.‬

2/24/2018: It’s never too late to give up on your dreams.

2/22/2018: Love is in the air. Wear a gas mask.

2/20/2018: Just stay inside.

2/19/2018: Challenge yourself. See how much of the evidence you can shred in one hour.

2/18/2018: It’s not who you know, it’s how well you can blackmail them.

2/17/2018: ‪Make a change. Turn casual cruelty into methodical, formally planned cruelty.‬

2/16/2018: Reach out to the Russian plants in your life. They’re going through a rough time.

2/15/2018: ‪Take the edge off tragedy with a few of your favorite platitudes.‬

2/14/2018: It’s not real love until they lie under oath for you.

2/13/2018: Enjoy your freedom. Take yourself out to divorce court.

2/12/2018: Your Olympic dream is out of reach, but your Olympic nightmare is just beginning.

2/11/2018: They can’t convict what they can’t catch.

2/9/2018: Your neighbors know. They all know.

1/15/2018: Invest in bomb shelters.

1/14/2018: She’s not coming back.

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