1. A disaffected teenage gamer is one of twenty-three pedestrians gunned down by an enthusiastic white nationalist.
2. A derivative retread of Sandy Hook.
3. A good guy with a gun listens to the good voices in his head.
4. The site of September’s greatest tragedy is hosed down and reopened in time to host October’s greatest tragedy.
5. A jaded USPS driver brings “going postal” back in style.
6. An Ohio woman shatters the stained-glass ceiling by hip-firing into a local church.
7. A mall Santa knocks a few dozen names off his naughty list.
8. An impatient hitman opts to take out the entire diner instead of figuring out which customer is “Big Ron.”
9. A flash mob recreates the lobby scene from The Matrix.
10. A confused young man with a lot going on in his life strikes terror into the heart of the infidels.
11. The Thanksgiving Day parade goes poorly.
12. A nearsighted underdog inspires the nation by beating the mass shooting body count record.
13. A population control advocate takes a more hands-on approach.
14. Two embarrassed seniors show up to prom with the same rifle.
15. A failing writer thinks of a foolproof way to get in every newspaper in the country.
16. A Tonight Show taping goes poorly.
17. An eco-conscious sniper lays siege to a California hospital with biodegradable bullets.
18. A terrorist with an ear for humor fires on a gun control rally.
19. A retired Xi mercenary relives his glory days of cutting down unarmed civilians.
20. February’s largest shooting only claims ten lives, meaning six more weeks of winter.
21. An assertive tourist shortens the line to Space Mountain.
22. Students call an armed teacher “Mr. Fatass” for the three hundred and fifty-ninth time.
23. A mass-shooting survivor takes an inventive approach to exposure therapy.
24. A prototype android reinterprets the Three Laws of Robotics.
25. A good guy with a gun sleeps in, enabling another tragedy.
26. A modern Phantom of the Opera conducts his symphony of revenge with an M4.
27. A vocaloid concert goes poorly.
28. A determined second amendment advocate kills thirty pedestrians with a broadsword.
29. A student of the medium performs an abstract, deeply referential mass shooting praised by critics but overlooked by general audiences.
30. The one man that knows the truth takes out a cell of crisis actors.
31. The winner of the first real Battle Royale neglects to inform the other contestants.
32. The underwhelming Batman reboot’s premiere has an equally underwhelming body count.
33. A self-conscious shooter makes an intense and protracted effort to distribute victims equally across race, class, gender, sexual orientation, age, and religion, until he gives up and takes his own life.
34. Violent video games inspire a student to dodge-roll behind cover when a gunman enters his math class.
35. An open-minded moderate hears out the invisible spiders telling him to kill.
36. An inconsiderate gunman arrives at his target two hours later than his threats promised.
37. Columbine gets another sequel.
38. An unhinged right-wing extremist marked as dangerous by law enforcement and his peers uses mass murder as a signal boost for his pet ideology.
39. Ted Cruz lashes out at his more popular workplace peers.
40. A historical reenactor unleashes tragedy on a colonial village with an authentic flintlock pistol.
41. A competitive genius enters an airsoft tournament with live ammunition.
42. A fifty-student massacre is ignored in favor of a sixty-student massacre.
43. Out of respect for victims’ families, networks limit replays of the killer’s mixtape to three hours a day.
44. A straight-laced fundamentalist and loose cannon anarchist are forced to set aside their differences to assault Madison Square Garden.
45. A real American kills twenty-one real Americans to save the real America.
46. After extensive gun safety training, a gunman clears out his office with trigger discipline, steady firing form, and a well-cleaned firearm.
47. The bucket of rocks defense doesn’t work out.
48. Thanks to bullying prevention programs, an armed loner is able to roam the halls with healthy confidence and an energetic smile.
49. Gun control legislation forces an aspiring shooter to spend two entire days finding an illegal firearm.
50. An overlooked serial killer decides to go mainstream.