“New Year, New You!” the mediocre wit repeats between mouthfuls of diet pills. As the hung-over marketers of the world slowly recover from their holiday binges, hearing these words serves […]
Articles
Satire on a fifth-grade level.
Charisma Is Not A Dump Stat
Honesty is a disability. The honest are at a terminal disadvantage in their careers, love lives, and ability to get away with high-profile crimes. We all feel the urge to […]
Blind Monkey Mission Statement 2015
Two men sign on for firing squad duty, because they need the hours and all the plum warehouse jobs have been plucked. They arrive half an hour late, which is […]
Flaying Detainees Alive Was A National Security Necessity
From the desk of Agent Redacted, Armchair generals are quick to pass judgment on the CIA for flaying prisoners. These bleeding hearts (figuratively, unlike facility six detainees) have no grasp […]
Delete Your Blog
Five years ago, my father told me to give up. In the near future, everyone would be qualified as a writer because everyone would have a voice. As the world […]
Happy Fourth, Everyone Gets A Free Drone Strike
The Fourth of July is about appreciating the healing power of jingoism. The term gets thrown around, but few Americans understand jingoism’s cultural importance. In their defense, this is because […]
Mute Monkey’s Worst Ideas
I’m no genius. Just a guy who enjoys the use of false modesty. So, as a gesture of humility, I’ve decided to compile a list of truly awful ideas that […]
I Never Knew Upworthy Caused Syphilis Until I Saw This Video
A simple rule of thumb: no social problem can be solved by reliketweettumbling anything. At all. Not even a little. However, you can make clever men famous and amoral men […]
Mute Monkey Mission Statement 2014: We’re All Fucking Fucked And It’s (Almost) Too Late To Run
Here’s the good news: Human beings are basically good. Here’s the bad news: Human beings are (almost) irrevocably fucked. Because from where I’m standing, we’ve got too many really big […]
Blind Monkey Mission Statement 2014: Well-Maladjusted
Hello, America. At least, I assume you’re American. My semi-reliable traffic robot says that the vast majority of my readers are fellow worshippers of corn syrup and random drone strikes. […]