You’re a beautiful audience. Not as beautiful as me, or even my stunt double, but beautiful nonetheless. In a difficult time, beauty matters. I’d love to focus on my success: […]
Articles
Satire on a fifth-grade level.
Sheepdog Journal — Director’s Cut
I retooled my Twitter tale a bit. Enjoy the fancy new transitions. Day three in the field, and I’m still pumped. I’ve got my own set of armor and everything. […]
Sheepdog Journal
An uplifting story about police brutality and more police brutality. Written for my Twitter, before I deleted all my old inania. Have fun with it. Day three in the field, […]
A Suggestion for the New Management
Congratulations. Now that your victory lap is over, it’s time to consider what comes next. You have a proven fondness for aphorisms, and “proper planning prevents piss-poor performance” is an American classic. […]
Unpause
Two years. I just needed two years off to finish my second tour of academia and reduce my drinking to three days a week. With that short break, I could […]
Blind Monkey Finds God
The whole stupid journey started on a New Jersey highway. Driving in that state is a form of suicide, or at least a cry for help. Take all the love […]
Blind Monkey Becomes a Psychic, Part Two
The sun had betrayed us all. It was 6 PM at Union Square, which counted as high noon in the heat. The weather was undeniable evidence that the time of […]
Blind Monkey Becomes a Psychic, Part One
You don’t need to join a cult if you’ve lost control of your life. Just read the stars. The horoscope’s a modern miracle: a daily glimpse into the future, based […]
Blind Monkey Learns About Jesus
Fueled by two hours of sleep and a hangover straight from the nastier parts of Revelations, I decided I wanted an issue of The Watchtower. That meant finding a subway […]
The Text, Part II: The Five Tenets
Rejoice! For I, your anonymous prophet, shall now outline for you the five tenets of Millenialism. It is the will of the Self that these tenets be presented in easily-digestible […]