As we all know, I’m a font of psychic faith and power. The stars speak to me, even when I’m trying to sleep or bore their voices out with a […]
Articles
Satire on a fifth-grade level.
Thank You for Eating Tide Pods
I didn’t enjoy December. After my relationship and place of work ceased to exist, my mother followed suit. Three days before Christmas. As you can imagine, I’ve been in a […]
I Don’t Take It Easy
Like any productive member of society, I do my laundry around 2:50 am. It used to be for the silence, now it’s simple routine. I could change, but then I […]
Hollywood Speaks Out Against Imperiex the Destroyer, Slayer of Apes
You’re a beautiful audience. Not as beautiful as me, or even my stunt double, but beautiful nonetheless. In a difficult time, beauty matters. I’d love to focus on my success: […]
Sheepdog Journal — Director’s Cut
I retooled my Twitter tale a bit. Enjoy the fancy new transitions. Day three in the field, and I’m still pumped. I’ve got my own set of armor and everything. […]
Sheepdog Journal
An uplifting story about police brutality and more police brutality. Written for my Twitter, before I deleted all my old inania. Have fun with it. Day three in the field, […]
A Suggestion for the New Management
Congratulations. Now that your victory lap is over, it’s time to consider what comes next. You have a proven fondness for aphorisms, and “proper planning prevents piss-poor performance” is an American classic. […]
Unpause
Two years. I just needed two years off to finish my second tour of academia and reduce my drinking to three days a week. With that short break, I could […]
Blind Monkey Finds God
The whole stupid journey started on a New Jersey highway. Driving in that state is a form of suicide, or at least a cry for help. Take all the love […]
Blind Monkey Becomes a Psychic, Part Two
The sun had betrayed us all. It was 6 PM at Union Square, which counted as high noon in the heat. The weather was undeniable evidence that the time of […]