Happy Fourth, Everyone Gets A Free Drone Strike

The Fourth of July is about appreciating the healing power of jingoism. The term gets thrown around, but few Americans understand jingoism’s cultural importance. In their defense, this is because reading is one of the top five causes of global terror. If ideological crusaders, insurgents, and miscellaneous neer-do-wells couldn’t read each other’s messages, they wouldn’t be able to coordinate terrorist strikes. Mercifully, our educational policy is on track to eliminate domestic terror forever. If that news gives you a lone patriotic tear, then this announcement will have you bawling with pride. This year, everyone gets a free drone strike.

To promote jingoism’s intrinsic value, one target of your choice will be blown off of the face of the Earth. You’ll have a brief chance to sit in the driver’s seat of the American war machine, and smirk as you roll over the speed bumps of international law at top speed. It doesn’t feel exactly like godhood, but it’s the next best thing.

Americans can control their drone through a flash program (Adobe is a proud sponsor of freedom) on the White House homepage. After redeeming the Liberty Code printed on the back of their birth certificates, citizens can control the latest model of Predator drone. Input options include the mouse and keyboard, gamepad, and an app for the patriot on the go. Citizens then have three hours to find their target and serve a full course meal of depleted uranium.

If this goes well, we hope to create an annual event.

Naturally, some citizens will see an opportunity to stage a light protest against the government. Once this initiative was announced, web searches for the addresses of Congressmen quintupled almost instantaneously. To preserve the spirit of the exercise, we will not ban hunting down your Congressman with five hundred pounds of soaring titanium death. We have, however, hidden everyone in the government above the rank of intern in a bunker so far beneath the surface of the Earth they can hear tectonic plates shifting. In the process, we seem to have misplaced Governor Santorum. Happy hunting.

With your local representative off the table, many of you may be considering using your drone strike on petty interpersonal conflicts. We encourage you to take this route, and avenge slights real or imagined. Feel free to reduce your ex-boyfriend to a pile of radioactive ash. With a steady hand, you can knock off his idiot friends in the same shot. Using government resources to settle personal vendettas is a privilege typically reserved for election winners. We hope to increase political engagement by giving the new generation a taste of this power. With time, this taste should blossom into a full-blown patriotic addiction.

Critics claim that we shouldn’t conflate our national identity with drone strikes. We respectfully disagree. A nation’s soul is defined by the ability to remotely wipe out any building on the planet at any time. Irreversibly so by the choice to use it. Drone strikes already leave an indelible mark on the American conscience. We simply plan to embrace it.

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