You don’t need to join a cult if you’ve lost control of your life. Just read the stars. The horoscope’s a modern miracle: a daily glimpse into the future, based […]
Articles
Satire on a fifth-grade level.
Blind Monkey Learns About Jesus
Fueled by two hours of sleep and a hangover straight from the nastier parts of Revelations, I decided I wanted an issue of The Watchtower. That meant finding a subway […]
The Text, Part II: The Five Tenets
Rejoice! For I, your anonymous prophet, shall now outline for you the five tenets of Millenialism. It is the will of the Self that these tenets be presented in easily-digestible […]
The Text, Part 1
“We are the middle children of history. Born too late to explore the world, born to early to explore the galaxy.” -Anonymous “Born just in time to browse dank memes.” […]
There Is No New You
“New Year, New You!” the mediocre wit repeats between mouthfuls of diet pills. As the hung-over marketers of the world slowly recover from their holiday binges, hearing these words serves […]
Charisma Is Not A Dump Stat
Honesty is a disability. The honest are at a terminal disadvantage in their careers, love lives, and ability to get away with high-profile crimes. We all feel the urge to […]
Blind Monkey Mission Statement 2015
Two men sign on for firing squad duty, because they need the hours and all the plum warehouse jobs have been plucked. They arrive half an hour late, which is […]
Flaying Detainees Alive Was A National Security Necessity
From the desk of Agent Redacted, Armchair generals are quick to pass judgment on the CIA for flaying prisoners. These bleeding hearts (figuratively, unlike facility six detainees) have no grasp […]
Delete Your Blog
Five years ago, my father told me to give up. In the near future, everyone would be qualified as a writer because everyone would have a voice. As the world […]
Happy Fourth, Everyone Gets A Free Drone Strike
The Fourth of July is about appreciating the healing power of jingoism. The term gets thrown around, but few Americans understand jingoism’s cultural importance. In their defense, this is because […]