Five Worst Songs
“Moves like Jagger” by Maroon 5 – Maroon 5 somehow found a way to get worse. I have a habit of comparing bad pop music to venereal disease on this site. Since I haven’t used gonorrhea yet, this band can have the honor.
“Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO – How on Earth did this happen? The hook to this is like having my brain attacked with a digital jackhammer. I can at least understand how the chorus to something like Tik Tok can be enjoyed. But the synth in this song is engineered to cause human pain. It is my dog whistle.
“The Time (Dirty Bit)” by Satan – This song reclaimed the term “critically panned”, but I still feel that isn’t enough. I need something brutal. Old Testament level career destruction needs to occur for me to be satisfied.
“Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO – Somehow the lesser of two evils from this group. It may suck less than its big brother, but it’s still guilty of sexually assaulting my ears at parties and my eyes with its music video. I want a cash settlement.
“The View” By Lou Reed & Metallica – This isn’t so much a failure as much as it is a glorious rebellion against success. I look forward to a bold future of artistic abortions.
Five Biggest Disappointments
The New 52 – The real tragedy is what hasn’t changed. The same core cape comic problems persist, with an added dose of the 1990’s aesthetic that I thought we’d all abandoned. This entire affair is a disappointing mess before one even brings up the Starfire clusterfuck.
Morbid Angel – So much for that.
Green Lantern – It’s amazing to see a movie where nobody involved must have given a shit. There’s a masterful laziness behind every frame of this movie. We should show it in film schools.
George Lucas’s continued refusal to commit ritual suicide – The man just doesn’t care about his honor.
No Flying Cars – This is going on every year-end list until I can crash a Honda into the side of a mountain.
Five Most Overused Jokes
“Occupy a job.” – This must have been funny the first time. Can you imagine it? Being the comedian that woke up and read the first headline? He probably sprinted out of his house like it was on fire, jumped through the window of his car, and tore down the freeway at 120 miles per hour. When he reached the comedy club, he then drove through the front door to save time. After throwing the current act off stage, he grabbed the microphone, shouted “Occupy a job!”, and passed out.
“Winning.” – This was almost entertaining before you people got to it.
“<Blank> all the things.” – Delete all the things.
“There are three-” – Rick Perry isn’t getting elected. Let’s bury him and move forward.
Anything tangentially related to bloody XKCD – Whatever you think of Randall Munroe, I think we can agree that his muppets need a gag order. Repeating his punchlines a week later doesn’t make you clever. It doesn’t even make you timely. It just means you’re a parrot.
Five Games Keeping Me From Working
Batman: Arkham City – A common theme of Batman stories is that he’s there to inspire. Now he has. I now can’t imagine doing anything with wealth but putting on a million dollar suit and assaulting anyone that looks vaguely guilty.
Deus Ex: Human Revolution – Boss fights aside, this is almost a second coming.
Saints Row: The Third – This series has become the realization of everything media watchdogs told you about Grand Theft Auto. And it’s wonderful. After playing this game, I have to consciously remind myself that there are laws.
Mortal Kombat: The reigning champion of excessive violence returns in a pile of cartoon organs. The first time you see an X-ray move, you learn something disturbing about yourself.
Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim: I’ve forgotten what the sun looks like.
Five Clichés That Need to Die
The Founding Fathers Were Gods – Are you an eighteenth century deist slave-owning aristocrat? No? How about your neighbors or your family? Not even your boss? Then let’s take these guys out of the dialogue.
It Was All A Dream – If you have any creative aspirations whatsoever, you should be obligated to avoid this by law. Yet this twist somehow manages to come back every year.
Fictional Robots Searching For Their Humanity – You have a soul. The soul of an annoying whiner.
Ronald Reagan Was Caesar Reborn – Nuclear brinksmanship is a codeword for suicidal tendencies. Beyond that, the return to anti-intellectual masculine swagger the Reagan years represented are a cultural canker sore that still hasn’t healed.
Everything’s Going To Be All Right – Relying on this idea is a fantastic way to end up in an alley. Nothing fixes itself. Take problems in hand instead of waiting for the Christmas spirit to teleport them away. Santa probably drowned when the ice caps started melting.
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