Five Asinine Buzzfeed Non-Articles

Do you know an idiot? Are you on a social network? Then you’re aware of Buzzfeed, the current first seed in the link bait Olympics.

Buzzfeed combines the worst traits of two generations of half-assed web publishing. It has elements of EbaumsWorld and AlbinoBlackSheep, kings of a time when stealing content was all but actively encouraged. As a result, Buzzfeed has writers in the same sense that the Somali coast has sailors. The twist is that Buzzfeed combines this old-school pirate’s mentality with the worst numbered list tendencies of Cracked. For reasons that are beyond me, this is the formula for success.

Five Buzzfeed articles bounced across my news feed while I pretended to work. Against my better judgement, I clicked on all of them. I got what I deserved for doing so.

“The 23 Absolute Worst Parts of your Childhood”

buzzfeed eats shit
Truly, the universe has forsaken you.

If you had real problems, you’d assume that this article mentions the power company shutting of the heat or the size of your father’s fist. That might make for interesting, thought-provoking content, which is a cardinal sin at Buzzfeed. Instead, we have twenty-three pictures of zany “Remember the nineties?” pseudo-nostalgic drek. Buzzfeed’s bread and butter.

Don Draper described nostalgia as “a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone.” Evidently that twinge is powerful enough to stop bloodflow to the brain.

Then there’s the commentary. Or rather, the complete lack of it. The “author’s” contribution amounts to typing the word “This” twenty-three times. It’s impressive that the semi-literate “Dave Stopera” managed to make an article that’s lazy by Buzzfeed standards. The bar has been lowered beneath the crust of the Earth, shifting tectonic plates and triggering lazy earthquakes around the planet. The next time Tokyo goes under, you know who to blame.

“31 Ways To Be The Worst Person At Panera Bread”

Half the content on the internet is advertising. As you can tell by the gif in the sidebar, I don’t consider advertising a sin. Advertising’s a natural part of the business world. In fact, there’s a real art to doing it well.

Lazy, transparent advertising is a sin. One that the author of this half-assed Panera Bread marketing tour should go to copywriting hell for. Preferably the ninth layer, where Mr. Whipple and the Geico Caveman make shish kabobs with your eyes.

“19 Hamsters Who Know Exactly How You Feel About Food”

America has two horrifying addictions: food and pictures of animals doing nothing. Buzzfeed found a way to exploit them both at the same time, proving the influence of Mammon in the modern world. I apologize to the church for all the shit-talking, they were clearly onto something. When there is no more room in hell, link bait shall walk the Earth.

“23 Signs You’re Obsessed with Christmas”

 fuck buzzfeed

Hilarious! Let’s try a Christmas carol, this site could use some levity. Sing the following to the tune of Silent Night.


Buzzfeed sucks,
Shit through a straw,
Inept bloggers rush to deadlines,
Gifs recycled for ignorant minds,
Explain this bullshit to me,
Explain this bullshit to me. 

Buzzfeed sucks,
Like a black hole,
Nineties kids,
Read this shit,
You’re an adult so act like one,
High School’s over real life has begun,
Stop posting on my wall,
Stop posting on my wall.

Buzzfeed sucks,
Like an escort,
Hooked on smack,
Short on crack,
The site bends over backwards for,
Lowest common denominator,
Don’t waste your goddamn time,
Don’t waste your goddamn time.

“14 Iconic Pieces Of History Made More Wow With Doge”

There’s an expression saying that American culture is black culture ten years later. If that’s true, then Buzzfeed content is 4chan content two weeks later. Staff “writer” Samir churned out 14 base-level impersonations of the shittiest meme to come out of 4chan since protestors forgot Guy Fawkes loved theocratic dictatorship. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he didn’t just steal the images. I’m probably wrong.

That’s the heart of the issue. Buzzfeed is a site that provides less then nothing. Despite having enough interns to start a street gang, it manages to contribute nothing to the culture it leeches off of like an unemployed mosquito.

2 thoughts on “Five Asinine Buzzfeed Non-Articles

  1. So I’ve definitely been thinking about clickbait articles a lot, particularly after Benito Cereno wrote the best one I’ve ever read [], thereby ushering in a new era of top ____ lists on ComicsAlliance. To be fair to them, I’m going to assume that these orders come from the top, the ScreenCrush network or whoever.

    All that being said, I’ve been thinking about doing a CWR clickbait week. Shh, don’t tell anyone though. It’s a surprise.

    Finally, I am all about “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” That song is my jam. Doge is also a meme that somehow still manages to amuse me well past its sell-by date. All in all a pretty great article.

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