Mute Monkey Mission Statement 2013

About two weeks ago, I was on the verge of calling it quits and devoting my life to the sole pursuit of ruining everyone else’s. Either that, or killing myself in the most amusing way possible (my vote for that, by the way, would have to be tying one end of a rope to my genitalia, the other end to the handrail on the roof of a very tall building, and jumping off after having branded the words ‘this is your fault; you know who you are’ onto my chest in comic sans).

Now, I thought about it for about a week or so, and it still seemed like it might have been a pretty good idea. I just needed to refine it a little bit. Specifically, I don’t really think it’s necessary to ruin people’s lives. Make no mistake; it’d bring me so much joy to do so. It would probably also get me arrested and/or murdered after awhile. Which isn’t to say that such a consequence would be unacceptable. I’m rather cavalier about such things.

But the more I think about it, the more I feel as though the world has enough people whose job it is to make everyone else’s lives harder, and I in fact have no plans to go to law school (but, then again, who knows?). New goal: destroy Superman.

No, strike that. Dan DiDio would tell me to get off his turf. Instead, I’ve decided to drop everything and go into sketch comedy.

Just kidding. That’s a terrible idea. To be honest, most of the ideas I’ve had lately have been downright awful, so much so that I eventually learned that there was a point to it all. And the point is that there is no point. If you dedicate yourself to an attainable goal, then you’re not aiming high enough or you’re a rational human being. I’m interested in neither prospect. Dedicate yourself to an impossible one, and you’re either a fool with delusions of grandeur or Barack Obama. Either way, the world will make it its business to make sure you fail.

So, as there is an angry tiger behind door number one and a sex-starved silverback gorilla behind door number two, I’ve drawn a door next to them and labeled it ‘Fuck Numbers.’ Then I peed on it. Then I typed ‘Fuck Metaphors’ just right now.

But I digress. I’m not trying to make any point, not anymore. I’m not trying to achieve any goal, be it material (like bitches) or immaterial (like bitches, but in the cosmic sense). Instead, I’m just going to say things and see where that takes me.

Of course, this alone isn’t enough. I know it almost goes against the whole idea, but even inanity needs a few guidelines sometimes. Otherwise, I’d just talk about how much I love dogs (I really love dogs). Then I’d copy-paste the navy seal speech because that thing never gets old.

Rule One: Fuck you.

Rule Two: And the horse you rode in on.

Rule Three: I’m great.

Get it? Got it? Good. I’ll now list some things. There’s no theme that unites them, they’re just worth listing.

-I hate you (you in particular).

-Bitches call my dick Golbat ‘cuz there’s no escape.

-Cannibalism should be acceptable if you kill your opponent in honorable combat. Also, killing your opponent in honorable combat should be acceptable.

-Hitler did nothing wrong.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

-The following statement is true.

-You are a faggot.

-The previous statement was true.

-Your mom.


P.S. Fuck you.

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