EXT THE UNITED NATIONS
A gratuitously drawn out panned shot of the outside of the building cuts to an underground meeting between three men in black suits. The room is, like all board meetings, filled with dramatic-tension enhancing shadows.
SECRETARY GENERAL
All’s quiet on the Eastern Front.
FORIEGNIA REPRESENTTIVE
What?
SECRETARY GENERAL
It made sense in my head. But really, it’s boring as all hell in here. “Sanction this” and “stop that genocide there”. Let’s get a good coalition invasion going.
FORIEGNIA REPRESENTATIVE
Is this a joke?
AMERICAN REPRESENTATIVE
Eagles fireworks freedom flags eagles.
FORIEGNIA REPRESENTATIVE
That may be so, but we really should have a stronger motive for-
AMERICAN REPRESENTATIVE
Eagles!
SECRETARY GENERAL
What he said. Besides, we have something of an opportunity. We’ve found the headquarters of Opiate Anthony.
AMERICAN REPRESENTATIVE
Star-spangled banner?
SECRETARY GENERAL
That’s right. The most notorious narcotics pusher in the Western Hemisphere.
FORIEGNIA REPRESENTATIVE
I suppose we could put together a strike team.
SECRETARY GENERAL
They’ve already been selected and sent.
FORIENGIA REPRESENTATIVE
Then what exactly was the purpose of this expository meeting?
SECRETARY GENERAL
I like to watch you two sweat.
AMERICAN REPRESENTATIVE
Eagles.
SECRETARY GENERAL
Fuck you too.
EXT ISLAND FORTRESS
A trio of generic military helicopters approaches a generic island lair. After gratuitous shots of the ocean and fortress, the focus shifts to the inside of the lead helicopter, where a trio of ELITE SOLDIERS waits.
LIEUTENANT ROLAND
Guys. Do you ever wonder if we’re on the wrong team?
LIEUTENANT BALDWIN
No.
LIEUTENANT RIKER
I’m generally against mass-murdering drug lords.
LIEUTENANT ROLAND
But…I’ve heard grumblings. Of a new breed of super-soldier. A cocaine-powered man.
LIEUTENANT RIKER
You would be far, far better off if you stopped talking.
LIEUTENANT ROLAND
It’s time I came clean. I volunteered for the project.
BALDWIN
There is no “project”. I watched you slip behind that alley to buy coke. I just assumed you wouldn’t let it interfere with your work. I guess I was wrong.
LIEUTENANT ROLAND pulls out a grenade with a mad grin.
LIEUTENANT ROLAND
I AM INVINCIBLE!
LIEUTENANT ROLAND pulls the pin. The helicopter spins into the ocean, and the entire squad is eaten by sharks.
EXT CONFERENCE ROOM
OPIATE ANTHONY
For eons, we have followed the threefold path.
UNDERLING ONE
Cocaine.
UNDERLING TWO
More cocaine.
UNDERLING THREE
Redundancy.
OPIATE ANTHONY
Now that way of life is threatened.
UNDERLING TWO
The cocaine or the redundancy?
OPIATE ANTHONY
The cocaine.
UNDERLING ONE
The cocaine or the redundancy?
OPIATE ANTHONY
The cocaine.
UNDERLING THREE
Does it have anything to do with the commandos killing everyone?
OPIATE ANTHONY
Maybe. That Kal guy was whining about something like that yesterday. I’m still a bit buzzed, to be honest.
OPIATE ANTHONY drums his fingers along the table for several tense seconds. He then walks through the fortress halls until he reaches an oddly spacious nursery room. A single baby in a white cloth lies in a crib in the middle of the room. OPIATE ANTHONY picks him up, and looks wistfully out the window.
OPIATE ANTHONY
Co-kel. Our kingdom is doomed. But you shall live on as the last son of Narcotopia.
The infant makes unintelligible noises.
OPIATE ANTHONY
Godspeed, my son. Never forget that you carry our legacy with you.
Opiate Anthony makes a cross of white powder on the infant’s forehead, then chucks the basket out of the window like a baseball. Confused infant babbling fades into the distance, before a loud thud.
After a minute of still silence, Opiate Anthony is gunned down unceremoniously. An explosion of Bay-esque proportions then rocks the foundation of the fortress, leaving naught but rubble behind.
A lone hand erupts from the wreckage of the base. The shot fades to black, then fades back in to the same shot of the hand. Underling three digs himself out of the debris, then stares with a rage filled eye at a red sky. He raises his fists to the sky.
UNDERLING THREE
I will dedicate the rest of my drug-fueled life to vengeance!
UNDERLING THREE is then sniped by an off-screen commando. His body floats to sea until dragged underneath the waves by a passing shark.
EXT CITY PARK
A young couple sits contentedly at a bench. Cherry blossoms fall around them as they look at the lake in the center of the park. Birds chirp softly in the background.
YOUNG MAN
This is the life.
SNOWFLAME leaps forward and throws a fistful of pure, uncut cocaine into the face of the YOUNG MAN. The YOUNG WOMAN jumps back in surprise as the YOUNG MAN writhes in agony on the ground.
SNOWFLAME
I live!
The YOUNG MAN stops moving.
SNOWFLAME
This city has a sickness. A sickness called complacency! And there is only one cure:
YOUNG WOMAN
Somebody call the police!
SNOWFLAME
Incorrect! The cure is white snow! Crack! Rock! Cocaine!
YOUNG WOMAN
You’re a madman!
SNOWFLAME
What was that you called me? A flame of glory? I shall adopt that name…from this day onward, I shall be known as Snowflame!
SNOWFLAME does a line off of the bench’s arm as the YOUNG WOMAN weeps softly.
EXT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CLASSROOM
A room of RAMBUNCTIOUS CHILDREN stare in dull silence at a special presentation in the front of the classroom.
UNDERPAID TEACHER
Alright children. Today we have a unique guest for you. Captain Reynolds from the precint station.
RAMBUNCTIOUS CHILDREN
Gee whiz! What do you do?
CAPTAIN REYNOLDS
I’m in charge of the local police station. Today I’m here to talk to you about D.A.R.E.
RAMBUNCTIOUS CHILDREN
But mister, the other man said that pigs are the enemy!
CAPTAIN REYNOLDS
Is it normal for children to speak in unison like this? Or in anachronistic slang?
RAMBUNCTIOUS CHILDREN
We are hive. We are legion. We are one.
CAPTAIN REYNOLDS
A real psychic connection? This could be a breakthrough on level with-
TEACHER
They’re not psychic. They’ve been acting out like this since a guy in a red leotard gave them some powdered candy.
CAPTAIN REYNOLDS
…This bears further investigation.
EXT POLICE STATION
CAPTAIN REYNOLDS
A cocaine powered supervillain.
OFFICER NORTH
Yup.
CAPTAIN REYNOLDS
I hate this job. Who are our suspects?
OFFICER NORTH
Well, let’s see. It could be Bill Camel, Joe Camel’s renegade brother. Could be Opiate Anthony, but he’s been silent lately. Or, it could be this new guy.
OFFICER NORTH points towards a picture of Snowflame cackling atop a powdered throne.
OFFICER NORTH
He calls himself Snowflame. He took out an entire SWAT team while screaming something about “nostril-imbibed enlightenment”.
CAPTAIN REYNOLDS
Any way we can track him down?
OFFICER NORTH
He tends to stand out in a crowd. I’d just wait for him to make a move.
EXT CITY RESERVOIR
SNOWFLAME stands atop the bow of a giant steampunk airship, cackling maniacally. The airship rams through several Thanksgiving parade floats as it approaches the city’s water supply. MINIONS carrying sacks labeled “non-suspicious sugar” bustle about the vehicle as it advances inexorably.
MINION
Target in sight.
SNOWFLAME
So begins a new age! An era where coke is king!
MINION
I’m beginning to have second thoughts. Will dumping cocaine into the reservoir even work? I think they have purifiers.
The MINION is lifted overhead by SNOWFLAME, and then thrown off of the airship. He lands in a Warner Bros.-style cloud of dust. Land sharks drag his body into the sewers.
SNOWFLAME
I have a gift for you America! The gift that keeps on giving: addiction!
A legion of law enforcement officers await Snowflame’s arrival at the reservoir. A bewildered expression is ubiquitous among the other officers as CAPTAIN REYNOLDS addresses the men.
CAPTAIN REYNOLDS
This is a simple operation people. It’s one junkie in spandex. With an airship. We should be in and out without any major problems.
EXT FLAMING BRIDGE
SNOWFLAME and CAPTAIN REYNOLDS circle each other with knives, as the only survivors of the battle in a mile-wide radius. As the bridge collapses around them, orchestral music plays at excess volume.
CAPTAIN REYNOLDS
Okay. This went downhill.
SNOWFLAME
Cocaine is the Holy Spirit, and I am it’s high priest! Cocaine is music, and I am it’s voice! Cocaine is justice, and I am its sword! Cocaine is a high concept, and I am its implement!
CAPTAIN REYNOLDS
You seriously need help.
SNOWFLAME
Mine is a fire no rehab can quench!
SNOWFLAME grabs CAPTAIN REYNOLDS by the nose, then tears off his head in one clean, majestic pull. Slow motion is not absolutely required, but recommended.
EXT CITY SKYLINE
SNOWFLAME hangs off of the tip of a skyscraper with one arm. A line of blood visibly leads from his nostrils to his chin. He stares at the United Nations building with an ambitious smirk.
SNOWFLAME
Wherever there is a dull office party, I’ll be there! Wherever there’s a nightclub restroom, I’ll be there! Wherever there’s a former addict on the cusp of reclaiming his life, I’ll be there! Today, the slums! Tomorrow, the world!
FADE OUT