INT DIMLY LIT ROOM
A HOODED MAN is tied to a chair. OPERATIVE A holds a gun to his temple, while OPERATIVE B paces behind him.
OPERATIVE A
End of the line, Agent Carter.
OPERATIVE B
Give us the database codes, and you get to live. It’s that simple.
AGENT CARTER
Listen here, scum. I don’t know if you work for Al-Qaeda, North Korea, or COBRA, and I don’t care. I love my country like a wife. An abusive wife that sends me to hellholes all over the world to kill punks like you. Every time I take a punch in the line of duty, I pretend it came from Lady Liberty herself. And I wear those Irish sunglasses with pride. Do your worst.
OPERATIVE A
Very well.
OPERATIVE A pulls the trigger. Confetti sprays harmlessly onto AGENT CARTER’s face.
AGENT CARTER
The hell?
OPERATIVE B takes the blindfolds off of Agent Carter. OPERATIVE A turns on the lights. A room full of suit-wearing CIA AGENTS are wearing party hats and holding assorted bottles of liquor. A colorful banner reading “Happy Retirement!” hangs from the ceiling.
CROWD OF SECRET AGENTS
Surprise!
AGENT CARTER
Aww, you guys! I was just about to use my cyanide tooth! You’re the best.
OPERATIVE A
Did you think we’d let our favorite assassin retire without doing anything?
OPERATIVE B
Wait, he’s retiring? I thought this was just an excuse to get wasted.
AGENT CARTER
I appreciate the surprise and all, but did you have to break into my home, knock out my family, and throw me in the trunk?
OPERATIVE B
It seemed like a good idea at the time. It’s too bad you killed Ted during the struggle.
OPERATIVE A
I thought the end of your career should match the rest of it. Constant fear.
AGENT CARTER
I’ve got to admit, the near-death experience really took me back. To think of all the people I’ve killed for the agency. Terrorists…rogue agents…the real Julian Assange…it’s been a long run.
OPERATIVE A
You’re my hero.
OPERATIVE B
Don’t make this weird.
AGENT CARTER
Then there was Kennedy. Man, that was a hard shot. Good thing we found a decent fall guy.
OPERATIVE B
…What?
AGENT CARTER
Of course, it didn’t take as many tries as Tupac. Now there’s a guy who could take a bullet. A true American. I bet Little Wayne couldn’t take a nine millimeter to the chest.
OPERATIVE B
I’m not the only one hearing this, right?
OPERATIVE A
Be quiet. I’m trying to absorb his wisdom.
AGENT CARTER
I killed Biggie Smalls as well, but that wasn’t work. The fat jerk owed me money.
OPERATIVE B
This is bull. Next you’re going to tell me you strangled Bigfoot with piano wire.
AGENT CARTER
Don’t be ridiculous. I stabbed him.
OPERATIVE B
You’re making shit up. He’s making shit up, right?
OPERATIVE A
You don’t have the clearance for me to answer that.
AGENT CARTER
Don’t be an ass John, we’re all friends here. Yeah, I stabbed Bigfoot. It’s standard agency mythological creature disposal protocol. You puncture their side with the spear of destiny, take a few blurry photos for the tabloids, and incinerate the body. I did the same thing with that alien back in the sixties. Fun times. I don’t get to go to New Mexico often enough. Maybe I’ll move there with Marge.
OPERATIVE B
Are you all insane? You can’t just do this kind of shit! I want to keep this country safe, but all of this is just too much. The world has to know! Who’s with me?!
OPERATIVE B looks around the room, waiting for a reaction. AGENT CARTER sighs, while OPERATIVE A yawns. Everyone else continues drinking.
AGENT CARTER
Look, kid. I like you. You look like my son, and I have a lot of unresolved issues with him. So instead of dropping your corpse off in a dirty ditch in Arizona, I’m going to give you some advice. Let it go. The world around you is full of insane forces, and you can’t control any of them. So kick back, collect your dental benefits, and enjoy yourself.
OPERATIVE B
You really expect me to accept this level of corruption for a paycheck? You think I can just be bought?
While OPERATIVE B rants, OPERATIVE A starts pulling a gun out of his jacket.
AGENT CARTER
Yep.
OPERATIVE B
Goddamn student loans. Alright, I’m in.
OPERATIVE A returns his gun to its holster.
AGENT CARTER
Attaboy. You know what they say: the squeaky wheel gets thrown in a secret prison in Guam and forgotten.
OPERATIVE B
You were kidding about COBRA at least, right?
OPERATIVE A
You really don’t have the clearance for that one.
The room enjoys a group laugh. OPERATIVE B’s laughter is forced and nervous.
AGENT CARTER
…Could one of you untie me?
FADE OUT