Doctor Maximus is a part time advice columnist and full time supervillain. In this column, he answers questions from the masses instead of terrorizing them. Mostly.
Dear Doctor Maximus,
I’m tired of sitting around the house all day waiting for the kids to come home. I want to enter the costumed villainy business, but I need an angle. Everyone else seems to have a gimmick. I can’t walk out there with oven mitts and a tray of radioactive cookies.
-Betty
Actually Betty, you can go out there with an oven mitt and tray of radioactive cookies. I’ve never heard of a masked housewife holding up a bank. All you need is a few anthrax-coated rolling pins and you’ll be ready to set up shop. Just make sure that no one in the house is moonlighting as a superhero. You don’t need that kind of domestic drama. Nothing alienates a kid more quickly than telling him you vaporized his sister.
Dear Doctor Maximus,
My laptop keeps making a weird buzzing sound. I ignored it at first, but it’s distracting me from torrenting porn. I’d send it in to get fixed, but I voided the warranty by attaching fridge magnets to the front cover. Can super-science fix this?
-Joey
Have you tried hitting it? I hear that works for most machines. Failing that, the Windows folder is just taking up space on your hard drive.
Dear Doctor Maximus,
I’ve written a 14-stanza Valentine’s day poem for a girl in my Anthropology class. It’s my way of letting her know that she has been my Cleopatra of Troy since the day she took the seat in front of me. Should I read it to her, e-mail it to her, or just slide it under her door? Thanks in advance.
-Leo
This has never worked outside of a movie. In fact, it even fails in Hollywood’s version of reality. Do you read me? An industry that tells us that a renegade cop can dismantle an entire criminal organization in a weekend with his fists says you have a bad idea. An industry that tells us you could survive an atomic explosion by hiding in a fridge says that you have a bad idea. An industry that tells us that the human brain can survive two hours of George Lucas’s dialogue says you have a bad idea. Abort mission.
It sounds like you have a bad case of tunnel vision. I’ve seen too many mediocre supervillain careers begin with unrequited love for someone that doesn’t know they’re alive. I recommend that you cure this with a quart of Jagermeister and a seedy night club run. You won’t regret it.
Dear Doctor Maximus,
I have a severe case of sore knuckles. I think it may be a side effect of all the time I spend beating Doctor Doom wannabes into the pavement. Any advice?
-Titan
Consider stepping into traffic.
Dear Doctor Maximus,
After fifteen years in prison, I moved to Montreuil to try and start a new, godly life. I’ve prospered. However, I recently encountered the same inspector that tormented me in prison. I want to defend my second chance, but I fear that striking him would be an affront before my oath to God. What do I do? I fear I will be exposed any day now.
-Jean V.
Pacifists are good for two things: target practice and more target practice. You should have put the inspector to sleep the first time you made eye contact. Luckily, it’s not too late. Judging by your description, you have a position of power in whatever corner of nowhere you’ve moved into. Therefore, you don’t have any problems that can’t be solved with a brick and some initiative. Remember: no body, no case.
Dear Doctor Maximus,
I’m a worthless sack of human garbage. Should I clean my stain off the face of the Earth, or is there still hope?
-Nancy Grace
Well Nancy, a little self-awareness can make all the difference in the world. In most cases. For you, it does little to make up for a lifetime as a walking cold sore. I applaud your recent turn toward the suicidal, and wish you all the luck in the world in this bold new endeavor. At this point, I would usually turn you towards some type of high-concept mad science as a method of suicide. But I think we both know you deserve something a little more brutal and basic. Consider simply slamming your own head against a brick wall until nature takes its course.