The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty year olds on Earth paying for movies.
Alan: Bboy Maladjusted, Pretentious Crew.
Byron: Bboy Braindead, Floor Sweepers Crew.
Cammy: Bgirl Addikt, Tumblrz Crew.
Others rotate in and out.
Alan, Byron, and Cammy sit in an otherwise empty theater.
ALAN
(Resolutely)
This has to change.
BYRON
The popcorn? I think it’s decent. We get free refills since we make up about half this theater’s profit.
ALAN
No, Cammy’s movie picks. How many pieces of shit have we sat through to satisfy her broken sense of irony? We watched Grown Ups 2. I almost killed myself halfway through that cinematic war crime.
BYRON
I thought it was okay-
ALAN
If you finish that sentence, I’m demoting you to acquaintance.
CAMMY
We’re not here ironically.
Alan chews thoughtfully as he attempts to process Cammy’s sentence.
ALAN
Whafuck?
BYRON
You broke him.
ALAN
We’re seeing Battle of the Year straightforwardly?!
CAMMY
Yup.
ALAN
You chose this after the trailers? Did you look at the previews for this backflip contest?
CAMMY
I did. And it’s not a backflip contest, it’s bboying. I’m supporting the breaking community.
BYRON
She’s a D-girl, dude. Remember?
CAMMY
(Amused)
You mean Bgirl. A Dgirl is something from a category of porn you’re not ready for.
ALAN
We’re watching the bomb of the month because it happens to be related to your dance thing? The only community you’re supporting is the movie studio.
CAMMY
How about this, Alan: when they make a movie about climbing fences in the park and falling off of rooftops we’ll see it for you.
ALAN
They did make a movie about parkour. It was called District B13 and it kicked 14 kinds of ass. The same amount this movie’s going to suck.
BYRON
(Whistfully)
I hope they make a movie about football one day.
ALAN
Good one.
BYRON
(Earnestly)
Wouldn’t it be awesome? You could watch the team of dysfunctional misfits come together in the face of adversity.
ALAN
Oh lord. You’re serious.
BYRON
And the ace coach teaches them through a bunch of motivational speeches. But the script flips when he learns something about himself. I think this is a fresh idea!
CAMMY
(With pity)
Of course it is. Good thinking, man.
BYRON
Really? That’s great to hear, it’s actually the plot of my screenplay. It’s going to hit Hollywood like a thing that hits other things really hard, and then makes me rich and famous.
CAMMY
That’s…very impressive.
ALAN
Stop that! It’s only going to be worse when reality hits him.
CAMMY
(Shouting)
Stop trying to crush his dreams!
ALAN
(Shouting, moreso)
You’re coddling him! The boy needs to see the real world!
CAMMY
You’re just like your father!
BYRON
(Tearing up)
Stop fighting! You’re tearing us apart!
Everyone silently stares at the floor for a minute. Byron wipes his eyes on his sleeve while Alan eats another handful of popcorn. Trailer music fills the room.
CAMMY
That got weird.
BYRON
We cleaned out that bottle of Jagermeister. Maybe we should pregame less.
CAMMY
Let’s not do anything extreme.
BYRON
You really should slow down.
CAMMY
We’ve been over this. I won’t get hooked on depressants as long as I take stimulants to balance them out. I’m fine.
Alan snaps his fingers.
ALAN
I just noticed something.
BYRON
That Cammy has a serious problem?
ALAN
All the trailers before this movie share one trait. What is it?
CAMMY
They’re blatant failures?
ALAN
True, but what I noticed is that they’re all black movies. Some executive decided that the “urban market” was coming to see Battle of the Year and assembled the Nigga advertising hour.
BYRON
Ooh, you said it! Can I say it now?
CAMMY
A third of the people here are black.
ALAN
That’s because we’re the only people here.
Our heroes watch twenty million dollars burn onscreen.