Ask Doctor Maximus

I think that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. How should I confront him?
-Lila

This problem, like most others in life, can be solved with a freeze ray. He can’t cavort around with other women if he’s decorating your living room as human statue, can he? You might consider simply talking to him, but who needs that awkward conversation?

My landlord has been up my ass about the rent. How do I get him to leave me alone?
-Rob

The obvious solution is to kill him and replace him with a clone. Accelerating the clone’s aging will take some effort, and educating him will be difficult, but the effect is worth it. Human cloning may be frowned upon, but it’s hard to argue with results.

Alternatively, you could pay your damn bills.

I’ve been your biggest fan since your fight with Titan on top of the Empire State Building in ’09. Can you send me an autographed photo? It would mean the world to me.
-Serena

Hold up. Supervillains get fangirls? I hope you realize that you’ve changed everything. Before this letter, I thought that the only vices I could satisfy with this lifestyle were wrath, pride, and greed. Now there’s a whole new world of groupie possibilities.

As for your question, no.

I’ve been trying to cook my own breakfast, but my scrambled eggs come out terribly. What do I do?
-Delroy

Add a dash of paprika.

I haven’t been able to find a new job since getting laid off two months ago. Where can I find work?
-Leon

Have you considered holding the city hostage? The thing about villainy is that it is the purest form of small business ownership. The media would never admit it, but it makes the little guy competitive.

Just try to avoid getting attention from vigilantes. Once one starts following you around, he won’t stop until you’ve vaporized him. If masked busybodies interfere, show no mercy. You might consider sparing the teenaged sidekick, but they tend to come back in a few years for revenge. It’s better to off them while they’re too young to purchase a gun.

My husband’s gambling addiction has cost us our home, safety, and happiness. There’s nothing left to save. I don’t know what to do next. I’ve considered killing our child to spare him a hopeless future.
-Elena Frome

Advice columns are a lot like Jeopardy. Everything has to take the form of a question. Next.

Every month an engineering school dropout tries to rob the city bank, and I’m stuck punching some sense into him. My knuckles are starting to get sore. How can I make him recognize the pattern?
-Concerned Citizen

FUCK YOU TITAN YOU FUCK I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU I SWEAR TO GOD

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