The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty year olds dim enough to pay for movies. Our heroes are:
Alan: Pilot of Misanthrope XLR
Byron: Pilot of Gurren Lackwit
Cammy: Pilot of Symbionic Gender-Neutral Gluten-Free Titan
Others rotate in and out.
INT WILLIAM MATARLE MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT
Irene idly taps at her cell phone. She sits in a dusty ticket booth, playing the same game of endurance-mode Tetris she’s played every week for the last three months.
IRENE
The L block is Satan’s co-pilot.
Alan dive rolls out of Theater 3 and takes a knee.
IRENE
(Nonplussed)
What-
Byron front handsprings out of Theater 3, taking a knee beside Alan.
IRENE
-the-
Cammy does a roundoff out of Theater 3, followed by a backflip landing on Alan and Byron’s shoulders. All three rise, forming a standing human pyramid. They then each point towards the sky.
ALAN, BYRON, CAMMY
(Shouting)
Combine!
IRENE
-fuck?!
CAMMY
Three more for the next showing of Pacific Rim.
A beat passes between them. The only noise is the dull hum of the air conditioning.
BYRON
Please?
IRENE
You’re trying to drive me insane. There’s no other explanation.
CAMMY
Usually, yes. But tonight my inner child’s been resurrected.
ALAN
That’s a pretentious way of saying she liked an action movie.
IRENE
Why am I stuck with Saturday night? Can’t you guys go drinking instead of ruining my shift? I only make nine dollars an hour. There should be a law.
ALAN
Your problems are fascinating, but I’m currently holding 140 pounds of hipster. Can we get the tickets? Quickly?
CAMMY
130 pounds of hipster. And we talked about this, If you want to be on top of the pyramid, you need to start sticking your landings.
BYRON
I just wish she wasn’t wearing heels.
ALAN
(Mumbling)
130 my ass.
Cammy twists her left foot, and Alan winces.
ALAN
(Through gritted teeth)
Well played.
IRENE
Maybe I should call security. Two of you are minorities, they wouldn’t ask any questions.
BYRON
Why didn’t you call the police when Dominic tried to rob us?
IRENE
It gave me something to watch.
BYRON
I’m starting to seriously reconsider letting you have my number.
ALAN
She’ll survive.
Irene puts six tickets on the counter, and returns her gaze to her cell phone.
IRENE
I’m giving you an extra set so you don’t bother me again in two hours.
BYRON
(Ecstatic)
Thanks!
IRENE
Piss off.
Cammy jumps off of Alan’s shoulder, leaving an imprint that will last the better part of two weeks. The three stroll back into the back row of Theater 3. They’re the only people there.
BYRON
It’s opening night. Shouldn’t there be more people here? Or, you know, people at all?
ALAN
Pacific Rim’s dying the agonizing box office death of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. It’s a shame. I thought Americans would watch anything with explosions. Michael Bay proved that well enough.
BYRON
What’s wrong with Michael Bay?
CAMMY
(Incredulous)
Please sit one seat further from me.
ALAN
You could blame the terrible advertising. Or the positive attitude towards international cooperation, middle America hates that noise.
CAMMY
Pacific Rim isn’t exactly ground-breaking on that front. The Russian and Chinese mechs take about six minutes to get crushed into scrap metal.
ALAN
So much for “three arm strategy.”
CAMMY
Cold War panic might never leave US cinema. It even finds its way into anime-inspired tentpole films about robots.
BYRON
Pacific Rim does have more positive energy than most stuff these days.
CAMMY
Outright humanistic, I’d say.
ALAN
Humanism’s for people without newspapers. Though I did enjoy the lack of hand-wringing about heroics. I’m tired of protagonists acting like children afraid of getting on a roller coaster. It’s an epidemic in superhero movies.
CAMMY
Superhero movies are an epidemic.
ALAN
I’m not catching you the next time we make the pyramid.
BYRON
Cut off the one-liners! It’s starting again.
The three go through two hours of child-like glee. Byron claps during the credits.
ALAN
Alright, I’ve always wanted to know: Why do people do that? The director isn’t sitting in the front row.
BYRON
Because I enjoyed it. Did you see the scene with the Mazinger elbow rocket? Learn to engage for once.
CAMMY
There are people watching Grown Ups 2 instead?
ALAN
God is dead.
BYRON
Stay positive. It’s been a good night.
CAMMY
He’s right. You don’t see world-building like that every summer.
ALAN
(Earnest)
Fine, sorry. I’ll dial it back. And I did almost clap when they pulled the sword out of nowhere.
BYRON
Do you think we could pilot a Jaeger?
CAMMY
Yeah, though the three-pilot thing didn’t work out so well for the Chinese team.
ALAN
The mind-linking bit would be strange. I’m not sure I want to know what kind of porn you guys are shifting through.
BYRON
(Nonchalantly)
You watch blondes pretending to be teachers.
ALAN
(Shocked)
How-
BYRON
We’ve been friends for seven years. You can’t imagine the stuff I’ve picked up over time.
CAMMY
Hah!
BYRON
You watch animated Japanese men in-
CAMMY
(Interrupting)
So, what would we call our Jaeger?
ALAN
…Jaeger Bomb.
BYRON
Fuck. Yes.
The trailers begin for their third viewing of the film. The trio account for all the money Pacific Rim makes in their state.
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