The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty year olds on Earth paying for movies. Our heroes are:
Alan: Critical cynicism writ large. Should spend less time on 4chan.
Byron: About as intelligent as your dog, but just as friendly.
Cammy: Exists somewhere between intellectualism and pseudo-intellectualism. On most drugs. Worse yet, on Tumblr.
Others rotate in and out.
EXT SHOPPING MALL FOOD COURT
Alan, Byron, and Cammy sit at a table in front of Burger Empire. Byron and Cammy are surrounded by shopping bags, while Alan has a single DVD case. Alan seems somewhat upbeat, much to the other two’s confusion.
ALAN
Season 2. Nice.
BYRON
What?
ALAN
I just picked up season 2 of Archer. I plan to spend the next lifetime or so watching and rewatching it. Hold my calls.
BYRON
You have calls? How much would I get paid for holding them? I just lost my job down at the car wash.
CAMMY
Hold on. Alan, I thought you weren’t allowed to actually like anything. You’d melt.
ALAN
I like plenty of things.
Alan receives a solid two minutes of blank stares from Byron and Cammy.
ALAN
Well, I like Archer. I’m a big fan of spy films in general, and it’s the best parody of the genre ever produced. Other than Die Another Day.
CAMMY
You enjoy not only a show, but an entire genre? It’s a Christmas miracle.
ALAN
It’s not Christmas, junkie. Let your Thanksgiving dinner finish digesting before you start breaking out the politically-correct edits of Christmas Carols.
CAMMY
That’s better. I was starting to get scared.
BYRON
We should go caroling!
ALAN
Death first.
CAMMY
I’ll have you know that the new, more inclusive Christmas Carols produced by the Social Justice Orchestra are modern classics.
ALAN
I was in such a good mood after Skyfall. And you two killed it. Are you happy?
CAMMY
Sorry. We weren’t used to it.
BYRON
Me too. But man, Bond was badass in that flick.
CAMMY
Wasn’t the whole movie about him slipping and struggling as an aging agent? And, by extension, cultural icon?
BYRON
I don’t tell you how to do critical theory, you don’t tell me which action movie leads are badass. We have roles.
CAMMY
But the whole point of the movie-
BYRON
Roles!
ALAN
When did you grow a spine?
BYRON
I’m following Bond’s example. From now on, I’m living a James Bond life.
ALAN
I think that would entail shooting someone in the face.
BYRON
I am. But, like, with words.
CAMMY
I don’t think you have his one-liners down yet. Or the alcohol abuse.
ALAN
You-
CAMMY
Would know? That’s a softball Alan. We expect better.
ALAN
Whatever.
BYRON
From now on, I’m gambling every weekend. And asking for shaken drinks. And getting kidnapped on abandoned islands run by megalomaniacs.
ALAN
Have you ever seen another James Bond film?
BYRON
I saw Die Another Day.
ALAN
I said a James Bond film.
CAMMY
That’s better.
BYRON
Is caroling completely off the table?
ALAN
…Why do I hang out with you two again?
BYRON
I think that’s my line.
ALAN
You should’ve trademarked it.
CAMMY
Trademarks are a tool of-
ALAN
NO. I’m not doing that shit today. It went to well. I’ll see you guys later. Much later.
CAMMY
Trademarks are a tool of-
ALAN
NO. I’m not doing that shit today. I’m doing too well. I’ll see you guys later. Much later.
Alan rolls up his Burger Empire bag into a ball and lobs it at the garbage can. It bounces off of the rim and into a passing girl’s face. She draws a straight razor. Alan flees down the escalator as she sprints after him.
CAMMY
We should help.
BYRON
Nah, he doesn’t meet enough girls.