The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty year olds on Earth paying for movies.
Alan: Youngest Son of Antoine and Alina. Known as “Jerkass” to foes and “Lord Jerkass” to friends.
Byron: Known as “Strider” on the Call of Duty forums.
Cammy: First among the daughters of HipsterHelm. Forged the wooden blade GloryBright in a community center whittling class.
Others rotate in and out.
A dead-eyed Elena stumbles from her studio apartment’s bedroom to the kitchen cupboard. The cupboard was carved by her great grandsire Ethan Elliot, known to his comrades as “Mean SumBitch” after the legendary Day of Doom. After several minutes of staring at cereal boxes, Elena grabs an unopened box of Sugar Fusion Bombs. The cereal reminds Elena of her mother, and the stories she used to tell of a more adventurous time, the distant era of the 1970’s.
ELENA
[Incomprehensible muttering.]
Elena sits down and reaches into the box for a fistful of candy-esque cereal. She is an Elliot of York, and therefore has a sweet tooth. Cammy sits at the opposite end of the table, reading a slightly worn copy of A Tale of a Tube. Elena goes through two handfuls of cereal before noticing her uninvited visitor.
ELENA
The hell?!
CAMMY
I told you not to leave your door unlocked. Huge risk. Any madman could get in.
ELENA
Are you high? If so , do you still have any on you? It’s been a long week.
CAMMY
No, and I’m fresh out of hydro. I’m trying out tobacco if you’re interested.
Cammy produces a pipe as long as her forearm. The pipe is a relic of her journey to the mall, during her adventuring days.
ELENA
Your parents still think that thing is theater club prop?
CAMMY
I did use it as a prop. For a week. Now I just make sure it isn’t wasted.
ELENA
That’s interesting. Well, I’m going back to sleep.
CAMMY
You can sleep anytime. Today, we’re going on an adventure.
ELENA
Can I dream the adventure?
CAMMY
No, my friend. The adventure is onscreen. Or rather, the journey to the screen.
Cammy blows a series of smoke rings. Elena remains unimpressed.
CAMMY
Could you try to look excited? I’m getting depressed just looking at you.
ELENA
I’m not joining your movie cult.
CAMMY
Is that how people talk about us? Because it kind of hurts.
ELENA
Says? Not often. Thinks? I’d say pretty often.
CAMMY
Water under the bridge. It’s just small minds jealous of soaring eagles. Speaking of which, you know what movie has eagles? The Hobbit. Giant ones, in fact.
ELENA
I’m guessing you’re tired of being the only girl.
CAMMY
Bingo. The other two are waiting outside, and I’ve rigged your alarm clock to go off every two minutes. I’ll fix it when we get back. From the adventure.
ELENA
You know, adventure is about half near-death experiences.
CAMMY
And the other half is spiritual discovery.
ELENA
No. The other half is death experiences.
CAMMY
Not an expression, but it should be. Remind me to coin that turn of phrase later. I can have them put on one of your Hot Topic t-shirts.
ELENA
You’re making me tired.
CAMMY
You’re always tired. Let’s make you a jager bomb and get going. The others are waiting outside.
ELENA
Aren’t they breaking this thing into three movies? Won’t that lead to pointless padding?
CAMMY
Almost certainly. Let’s go.
Elena, last of the Elliot clan, is dragged like a rag doll to the liquor cabinet. After having a Jager bomb fed to her like medicine, she is shoved by the door by her erstwhile companion Cammy.