Extra Evil – Hollywood Reboot

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Today’s Fortune:  Your lucky numbers are behind a paywall.

Newsreel

Kevin McCarthy betrayed his promise to Kevin McCarthy.

The NFL experienced acceptable losses.

The FDA legalized picketing pharmacy sidewalks.

California joined Atlantis.

The pods from 2001 are almost ready.

The A.I. from 2001 is almost ready.

Today’s Mood

War Journal

Is Bomb Cyclone a band yet?

Writing’s nice. I’ve wanted to do it since I learned publishing’s only de facto segregated instead of de jury. But I missed my calling.

I’d be a much better incel guru.

Is there an cushier creative lane? An astrologer needs twelve original thoughts a day. A plagiarist needs enough taste to curate. Only reactionary dating coaches are immune to standards.

After decades living in Microsoft Word? That sounds like true freedom. Inspiring spree killers would be unfortunate, but at least I could sleep in.

Better yet, the content shapes itself. Mix deprecated 4chan slang with the emotions of a kickball reject. Bang. You have an army.

Granted, my love life would wither and die. Dates can smell that breed of failure like mercaptan. But I’d have a reputation for sexual prowess, which is fun too.

And I’d still get to express myself. Every YouTube video titled”The Cure for Dry Dick” has enough views to make you consider moving to the ocean.

Keep an eye out for See More Betas and Extra Testosterone. They’re my retirement plan.

It’s Wrestle Kingdom day. A holiday for all that hold simulated violence sacred. If you’d like to expand your cultural boundaries, chop a loved one in the sternum today.

I’m behind on everything, but it’s given me new confidence in my choices. I’d never have been able to keep this pace up with an agency job. I would have melted into a pile of stressed-out glue.

This is, against all logic, the sane and practical path.

The Present

In shocking news, I’ve done another sci-fi satire short.

Solidarity for the weavers of nightmares.

You can read my best five 1-900-HOTDOG  articles for free.

The only freestyle skating joke in a New Yorker article.

My book Everything Abridged is like this stuff but longer and funnier.

The Past

My eternal love letters to Eric Adams continue.

The Future

What lunatic wrote this manuscript?

Playing around in Photoshop. It might work.

The next column might get me banned from a country.

One Sentence Reviews

Vir Das – Landing: More of a victory lap. (3/5)

Mitch Hedberg – An Elevator Can Never Break: Indoor sunglasses take true skill. (4.5/5)

Hackers: The kitsch is strong. (3/5)

Chelsea Handler – Revolution: A little short of the title. (2/5)

Open Question

Best 2022 Exclusive Evil article: the finals.

Signing off

Thanks for reading Extra Evil, the newsletter waiting for Godot. Share to actually read it.

-DD