Congratulations on choosing HyperTV for your 5D viewing needs! With six thousand channels in forty real languages and eight imaginary ones, we guarantee that you won’t regret your choice. Here at HyperTV, the fifth dimension is quality. Some charlatans claim that television is a dead medium. If you meet one, report them to our quality assurance department. The problem will be taken care of within the week.
Here’s a small sample of your options:
Edutainment Planet: Whether your child is natural or hive-born, this channel teaches the skills they need to thrive. Topics include reading, counting, minesweeping, air-raid safety, telepathic defense, and cryostasis preparation. Accessing the entertainment half of the edutainment offered requires a deluxe account.
Aroma Planet: Dedicated to film’s finest scents.
FIST: For men that eat nails for breakfast. Don’t bother tuning in unless you’ve had at least three testosterone injections today. There are only three shows: Bare-knuckle Boxing, Bare-knuckle Hunting, and Crochet Today.
C-Span Prime: A twenty-four hour broadcast of the Prime Intelligence’s wisdom. We recommend watching at least an hour a day. If there was a secret police force, this would help you avoid their attention.
Jenna: Watch every moment of former pop superstar Jenna Maximum’s daily life.
Boom!: An adults-only feed of the sexiest explosions from around the world. Requires a deluxe membership.
Channel Sunshine: Our trademark sensory overload is known to have euphoric and hallucinogenic effects on humanoid viewers. Side effects are minor, but should be reported immediately to a team of emergency medical professionals.
The Archive: Dramatic reproductions of key historical events, approved by the Prime Intelligence. Watch Lincoln and his Musketeers travel the Nile every Friday on the award-winning drama Hindenburg, or catch a few laughs with That’s my Genghis.
Justice: The noble boot of the law steps on an amoral insurgent’s face. Forever.