At the Movies: Intermission

After descending into the depths of retro kitsch, our heroes’ laziness has finally reached its peak. They have become one with the couch. From their perspective, they have never been apart from the couch. The couch is part of their being. There is no world beyond the couch.

Byron: My eyes kind of hurt.

Cammy: It’s probably the sunlight. Dim it.

Byron: Dim what?

Cammy: The sun.

Alan: And do all the walking? Do we look like your butlers?

Cammy: I wish they paid me enough to hire one.

Byron: What exactly is your job?

Cammy: I test pick-up lines.

Alan: Hold on. Something fucking inane flew into my ear.

Cammy: No lie. I get paid ten dollars an hour to sit in a focus group that rates pick-up lines. Turns out anything can have an overpaid think tank. You should hear some of the drek the suits upstairs come up with. My personal favorite was “If you come home with me, I won’t hang myself from a bridge.” Pure class.

Byron: What’s a good one? I could use an edge.

Cammy: “Hi, I’m X.” With eye contact. No stuttering or staring at the floor.

Byron: That’s way too hard.

Alan: They give you money for this? Human money? The kind that’s exchanged for goods and services?

Cammy: Yup. Elena got me the job.

Alan: This is the second time you’ve mentioned her. Who exactly is this ghost? Can she bring us a pizza?

Cammy: My friend, and no.

Alan: Why haven’t I met her?

Byron: We’ve got lives outside of this.

Alan: …Yeah. Me too.

Byron: The trash is starting to pile up in here.

Alan: It’ll take care of itself.

Cammy: I think it gives the room a unique aura. It says: “I won’t be oppressed by society’s standards. My mess is my choice.”

Alan: What’s it like to eat, sleep, and breathe bullshit?

Byron: Guys. There’s a layer of dust over everything in here. The DVD player is the only clean thing in the house.

Alan: As it should be.

Byron: Why do your parents deal with this?

Alan: Guilt, mostly.

Cammy: Maybe we should watch Goldfinger.

Alan: That’d be good for a riff or two.

Byron: No.

Alan: Fine. It’s not exactly the best Bond flick. How about-

Byron: We’re not watching anything. We need to leave.

Alan: Have fun. Could you bring back a pizza?

Cammy: I’d prefer churros.

Byron: I said we. We’re getting out of this room. I don’t care if I have to drag you both out by your legs.

Cammy: Do you think you can push us around because you’re stronger?

Byron: Yes.

Alan: Heh, nice one. She-Let go!

Cammy: We have rights! Tumblr will hear of this!

Alan: I’ve been slung over someone’s shoulder like luggage. This has to be a new low.

Byron: We haven’t seen the sun in two weeks. You’ll thank me later.

Alan: Unlikely. You’re making me miss Breaking Bad.


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