Ask Doctor Maximus: Back to School Edition

How do I talk to girls at parties? I’d like to meet someone nice. And use them for sex, but I assume that’s obvious.
-Pietro Parker
I’d recommend breeding a clone with a superior sense of self-confidence, but that’s out of the average college student’s price range. Besides, by the time the clone could pick up girls you’d already have aged another twenty years. Slightly awkward. So until the technology is perfected and cheapened, I recommend hard liquor. Failing that, you could develop a personality more interesting than cardboard, but we’ll probably figure out the cloning issue first.

I’m in an Ivy League school. Everyone I know is convinced that they’re God’s gift to the mortal world. How do I take them down a peg?
-Dent Pekar
Invite a handful of them to join a ‘secret society.’ Blindfold them, and take them to an inner city at least three hours away from campus. Release each one alone and unarmed. They will come back slightly humbled.

What kind of laptop should I get for uni?
-Vanessa Manning
Traditional PCs are obsolete. With the right contacts, you can get a cloud AI capable of hijacking anything in the room more advanced than a calculator. An AI assistant can read your mail, do your homework, and steal your peer’s research in the blink of an eye. I wouldn’t leave home without one.

My roommate’s never does his half of the cleaning. I need a good prank to get back at him. Any ideas?
-Carter Johnson
Kidnap his girlfriend. A sibling or friend will also do in a pinch. If he doesn’t have any of those either, than the world is already punishing him for you.

How do I YOLO my swag?
-Tammy Hill
Kill yourself.

I have no friends on campus. Zip. Nada. Zilch. I spend every day alone in my room, counting the individual tiles on the ceiling. There are 103 of them. How do I avoid going crazy?
-Rick Pell
I’d double check that number. I think that state law requires an even number. After that, I recommend buying a cat. Your school probably doesn’t allow it, but you’re not going to have any visitors to report you anytime soon. If that fails, you could get a start on the floor tiles. That’s a whole new adventure.

What should I major in if I want to become a mad scientist? My parents want me to go into accounting, but our last name is Destructor. I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t’ capitalize on that.
-Nina Destructor
While no sane university will offer a degree labeled “Mad Science”, you actually have a lot of options. The beauty of this field is that any specialization can be turned into mad science with a little creativity. Sure, there’s the classic physicist or electrical engineer building a death ray, but who’s to say a mad marine biologist can’t lead an army of whales to retake the surface world? Follow your interests and you can’t go wrong.

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