I’m neutral towards the gods, spirits, and saints of the global religious canon. Pascal offered me a wager, but I don’t gamble. Like many others, I enjoy my pork and Sunday mornings.
But I still have an imagination. So I’ve gone out in search of the perfect religion. I’ve combed the alleys and archives of the world in search of it. After that failed, I did a quick Google search. I may have found it, but still have to present my results to a board of my pretentious peers. Until then, enjoy this list of smaller faiths I’ve encountered in my studies.
Dionysus Reformists: The exclusive worship of the Hellenic god of wine, revelry, and hangovers. Popular on college campuses.
Orthodox Dadaism: Followers build readymade holy books from the scrolls of other faiths.
The Cult of the Self: The worship of the universe’s most noble, brilliant, and beautiful being.
Nationalism: A popular 20th century cult.
Darkseid Lives: loneliness + alienation + fear + despair + self-worth ÷ mockery ÷ condemnation ÷ misunderstanding x guilt x shame x failure x judgment n=y where y=hope and n=folly, love=lies, life=death, self=dark side
Leveticans: Followers and analysts of the Bible’s most exciting chapter. Mass is all Leveticus, all the time.
Arbitrarianism: Consignment to heaven, hell, or reincarntation is decided entirely by raffle.
The Church of Kirby: Worship of the cosmic comic characters created by Jack Kirby.
Idealism: one of the better antidotes for the modern world.
Cynicism: Locked in a thousand-year Holy War with the idealists.
Black Letter Christianity: Uses a bible without all that pesky hippie-talk getting in the way of family values.