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Tag: essay

Thank You for Eating Tide Pods
Articles

Thank You for Eating Tide Pods

I didn’t enjoy December. After my relationship and place of work ceased to exist, my mother followed suit. Three days […]

by: Dennard Dayle (Blind Monkey)Posted on: January 15, 2018January 15, 2018
A Suggestion for the New Management
Articles

A Suggestion for the New Management

Congratulations. Now that your victory lap is over, it’s time to consider what comes next. You have a proven fondness for aphorisms, […]

by: Dennard Dayle (Blind Monkey)Posted on: December 22, 2016February 28, 2018
Blind Monkey Becomes a Psychic, Part One
Articles , Longform

Blind Monkey Becomes a Psychic, Part One

You don’t need to join a cult if you’ve lost control of your life. Just read the stars. The horoscope’s […]

by: Dennard Dayle (Blind Monkey)Posted on: July 24, 2015October 3, 2018
Blind Monkey Learns About Jesus
Articles

Blind Monkey Learns About Jesus

Fueled by two hours of sleep and a hangover straight from the nastier parts of Revelations, I decided I wanted […]

by: Dennard Dayle (Blind Monkey)Posted on: July 15, 2015July 15, 2021
Articles

Charisma Is Not A Dump Stat

Honesty is a disability. The honest are at a terminal disadvantage in their careers, love lives, and ability to get […]

by: Dennard Dayle (Blind Monkey)Posted on: January 4, 2015January 5, 2015
Articles

Happy Fourth, Everyone Gets A Free Drone Strike

The Fourth of July is about appreciating the healing power of jingoism. The term gets thrown around, but few Americans […]

by: Dennard Dayle (Blind Monkey)Posted on: July 4, 2014July 4, 2014
Articles

Mute Monkey Mission Statement 2014: We’re All Fucking Fucked And It’s (Almost) Too Late To Run

Here’s the good news: Human beings are basically good. Here’s the bad news: Human beings are (almost) irrevocably fucked. Because […]

by: Mute MonkeyPosted on: January 10, 2014January 10, 2014
Articles

Abandon Ship

Besides the legion of manchildren that have rallied behind Lauren Faust under a banner of mass-persecution complex disguised as self-assuredness, […]

by: Mute MonkeyPosted on: November 19, 2013November 19, 2013
Articles

108 People Like This

Everyone has a fucking opinion. Ideally, they are entitled to it. In reality, eight out of ten people don’t have […]

by: Mute MonkeyPosted on: June 20, 2013June 20, 2013
"It made me the man I am today."
-Conan the Barbarian
"I never knew reading Everything Abridged would make me so much stronger, faster, more virile."
-John Matrix
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